No, the zombie apocalypse isn't coming, assures the CDC

By Life's Little Mysteries Staff

 

A spate of bizarre acts of cannibalism in the last week have many people wondering whether to be afraid for their own flesh. The populous' collective curiosity has even driven "zombie apocalypse" up to the No. 2 spot on Google's list of trending search terms. But don't worry: according to government scientists, the zombies are not coming for you.

The flesh-eating living dead don't actually exist, said a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)," agency spokesman David Daigle told The Huffington Post. The CDC has even put out advisories on the zombie theme.

But what prompted the official reassurance?

The questions started after an attack in Miami on Saturday, when Rudy Eugene, 31, was shot and killed by police while hungrily devouring the face of a homeless man. Eugene, who may have been high on " bath salts " at the time of his vicious attack, seemed impervious to the bullets entering his naked body until the moment he collapsed, police said.

Then, on Tuesday, Alexander Kinyua, a 21-year-old student in Maryland, admitted to murdering his roommate and then eating his heart and parts of his brain. The cannibal's motives have not been explained. [Video: '5 Things I Learned from Living with Cannibals]

Meanwhile, Canadian police are seeking Luka Rocco Magnotta, a low-budget porn actor who allegedly killed and dismembered a young man, and then ate flesh from the corpse. He packaged and mailed other body parts to political offices in Ottawa.

Okay, zombies may not really exist, but clearly the world has troubles enough as it is.  

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And we should believe government scientists because they represent the government and they would never lie to the American people. Better gather up your weapons, food cache, fresh water and loved ones and head for your bugout shelters now.

    Reply#162 - Sun Jun 3, 2012 1:53 AM EDT

    amen brother. Lock and load

      #162.1 - Sun Jun 3, 2012 8:25 AM EDT
      Reply

      Double tap to the head. And if we're running from Zombies and you're next to me, I'm tripping your ass.

        Reply#163 - Sun Jun 3, 2012 4:03 AM EDT

        This is demonic influence. The flesh eaters are on drugs? All these drugs have been around for how long? How many cannibal stories have we heard about before aside from Mr Lechter? They may be taking drugs but when you do you open yourself up to the possibility of demonic possession. Thats where my money is. Satan works very hard to hide the fact he exists, including, bashing from those that will bash this thread.

        Markus

          Reply#164 - Sun Jun 3, 2012 8:24 AM EDT

          If you don't beleive Zombies are amongst us, just go to Wal-Mart.

            Reply#165 - Sun Jun 3, 2012 8:28 AM EDT

            I have no idea if it's true or not, but I heard that the artist who created the CDC's Zombie Pandemic graphic novel that was such a big hit on the internet and featured on a couple news morning shows is a practicing Witch and that he hid dark magic symbols in the artwork.

              Reply#166 - Sun Jun 3, 2012 10:11 AM EDT

              The Zombies are already here, they are called "Meth-Heads"

                Reply#167 - Sun Jun 3, 2012 11:01 AM EDT

                If zombies don't exixst, why did I see the new hamburger helper that says just add brains?

                • 1 vote
                Reply#168 - Sun Jun 3, 2012 12:50 PM EDT

                It's def' zombies! That's it I'm moving to my safe "house". Anyone in Texas want to join me I'll seriously consider it. Yes I do have internet and running water.

                  Reply#169 - Tue Jun 5, 2012 10:13 AM EDT

                  What happens when the zombies and vampires start partying together? Or are they enemies?

                    Reply#170 - Tue Jun 5, 2012 10:59 AM EDT

                    This headline needs to be followed by "Yet..."

                    • 1 vote
                    Reply#171 - Tue Jun 5, 2012 11:16 AM EDT

                    Really?? The CDC has to assure us zombies don't exist?? Are we really that stupid?

                      Reply#172 - Tue Jun 5, 2012 12:50 PM EDT

                      uh i think all the googlers who are looking to see if zombies are real are 1st off a bunch of idiots. and 2nd off need to read the "BASIC INSTRUCTIONS BEFOR LEAVING EARTH" also known as the BIBLE.lol i feel sorry for any one left behind.if zombies are all that they are worried about then i must laugh at ignorance.this just gos to show that mankind really isnt different then a bunch of sheep. if it sounds good and the media says it is ok then baaahhh away and fallow the hurd.eat your oats and shut up

                        Reply#173 - Tue Jun 5, 2012 1:15 PM EDT

                        Right!!! That is what they say right before the zombies get yah.

                          Reply#174 - Tue Jun 5, 2012 3:02 PM EDT

                          All I can say is have you watched the "The Walking Dead" on A&E? The CDC was overrun and they didn't admit there was a problem until it was too late. HAHAHA

                            Reply#175 - Tue Jun 5, 2012 3:08 PM EDT

                            I got my info from the movie Zombie Strippers.

                            The U.S. Army invented a virus to reanimate dead soldiers, to keep on fighting the wars for Dubya. Unfortunately, one infected soldier escaped to a strip club, and bit a stripper. That is how it got into the general population.

                            The story was good, but the strippers were disappointing.

                              Reply#176 - Fri Jun 8, 2012 7:36 AM EDT

                              A 17 yr old Miami resident dates a zombie, lives to wrote an original song about it & then play it ion the radio!

                                Reply#177 - Wed Aug 1, 2012 12:01 PM EDT

                                Amazing that the CDC would actually have to make an official statement regarding Zombies. Humans are getting dumber not smarter..

                                • 1 vote
                                Reply#178 - Sun Sep 16, 2012 10:33 PM EDT

                                Brains...... makes the pain go away.... I want to eat your BRAINNNNNNNZZZZZZZ!!!!!

                                  Reply#179 - Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:40 AM EDT

                                  I find that generally a .38 round to the head stops them pretty well. Slightly above the bridge of the nose seems to be the right spot. It gets the part of the brain that controls that stuf. I got some silver bullets from the Lone Ranger, since he always used them and swore by them and a wooden stake or two. I find that if you break off the metal tip an arrow works on the little ones and you don't have to get so close. If I run across anything a 30-06 won't stop I'll be sure to post it.

                                    Reply#180 - Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:14 AM EDT
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