E-mail updates
Follow on Twitter
Subscribe to RSSYoung women who report that their romantic partners look at porn frequently are less happy in their relationships than women partnered with guys who more often abstain, new research finds.
The study bolsters some anecdotal evidence that men's porn use can shake the self-esteem of their girlfriends or wives, though certainly not all couples have conflicts over pornography, said study researcher Destin Stewart, a clinical psychology intern at the University of Florida. Stewart decided to investigate the effect of porn on relationships after some of her clients revealed that they were struggling with the issue.
Discovering explicit material on a partner's computer "made them feel like they were not good enough, like they could not measure up," Stewart told LiveScience.
What women think of porn
A number of studies that have interviewed women about pornography find a range of feelings on the topic, from "scathing to mildly positive," Stewart and University of Tennessee psychologist Dawn Szymanski wrote online May 6 in the journal Sex Roles. Nevertheless, concerns about measuring up to the images found in pornography were a common theme. In one 1999 study, for example, a participant told researchers, "These men look at these pictures and say, 'Look at her. She's just beautiful. Why can't you be like that?'" [ Is Porn Bad For You? ]
Few of these studies had hard numbers to back up the interviews, however. Stewart wanted to understand how widespread these feelings might be. She recruited 308 college women, ages 18 to 29 years old, to fill out online questionnaires about their current partner's porn use as well as their relationship quality, sexual satisfaction and self-esteem. All of the women were heterosexual and most were white.
The results showed that women who reported that their boyfriends or husbands looked at more pornography were less likely to be happy in their relationships than women who said their partners didn't look at pornography very often. When women were bothered by their partner's porn use, saying, for example, that they believed he was a porn addict or that he used porn more than a "normal" amount, they were also more likely to have low self-esteem and to be less satisfied with both their relationship and their sex life.
Sex and self-esteem
The findings showed that the statistical link between frequency of porn use and relationship dissatisfaction was partially explained by low self-esteem among the women in these relationships. But that doesn't prove that porn necessarily caused the women's self-esteem to drop. It's a chicken-and-egg problem, Stewart said: Women whose partners watch a lot of porn might begin to feel more insecure. Or women who feel bad about themselves might seek out or stay with porn-loving guys more often than secure women. [ 6 Tips for a Happy Relationship ]
The study is limited to a youthful demographic, and most of the relationships were short-term, Stewart said. Because most of the couples weren't co-habitating, the women might not know how much porn their partners actually watched, she said.
"You might be more dissatisfied knowing that your husband of 10 years is looking at pornography versus your 18-year-old boyfriend where you have no idea what he looks at on his computer," Stewart said.
When pornography does become a problem in relationships, Stewart said she counsels women not to compare themselves with porn starlets. In couples counseling, she encourages communication and compromise.
"It's just about trying to do some education about what is realistic and unrealistic and trying to get couples to be honest about what their wants and needs and desires are," Stewart said.
More from LiveScience:
The Sex Quiz: Myths, Taboos and Bizarre Facts
6 (Other) Great Things Sex Can Do For You
Related:
If your potential lover is clumsy, you will be, too
Gossip guys: Men and women dish dirt differently
New type of couples counseling isn't about stopping the split
Leave a Comment:
Porn gets me warm but she takes me to the place. she knows i can close my eyes and remeber panama chicks mississippi babes and drunk chicks in dc. we all cheat in some way
Wow such hostility, lack of sex and weight gain complaints going on here over porn lol. Perhaps her lack of giving it up and low self esteem is related to the fact that she has gained weight, therefore feels crappy about herself and knows hubby is watching Debbie Does Dallas for the 50th time with his box of tissues, women are hard wired differently than men, just a thought.
Personally I have no problem with porn watched in moderation or watching it with hubby. But I'm also a firm believer in staying in great shape and giving it up whenever he wants it, men are visual ladies, it's a no-brainer, you can't b*tch about the porn if you weigh 300 pounds!
Compromise--So if the ladies will get their fat asses off the couch and lose a few pounds then feel more confident and also feel more sexual, then maybe hubby will step away from the videos and all will be right as rain. Wow I love it when a plan comes together ;)
Well said, kats-meow.
I am in great shape and so is my wife. i am nearly fifteen years older than her, but we've managed well for the last seven years. I love her and she loves me... we're lucky and well-matched. We also LOVE porn! I mean, what the hell? It is so natural to enjoy human sexuality that I pity the close minded morons who live a life of quiet desperation. Did you really check out your prospective wife, or just attach yourself to whoever came along? Ninety percent of you miserable bastards on this forum have dug your own graves... shame on you.
It's funny how some guys expect their wives to bear children for them... and complain when they dont look like porn stars.
But I suggest them to look in the mirror. What's their excuse for the gut that hangs over their belt? You can't say they carried and delivered a couple kids?
As for the economy killer.... do you shower before or just expect her to?
Why is it that some people are so insecure? I truly don't understand why a person would feel less than his/her partner because this partner enjoys watching porn.
Seriously?
There has got to be more to those insecurities than just plain porn watching, come on! Maybe it is just that personal beliefs and views on pornography are portrayed as insecurity when in reality they are a flat dislike for the industry itself.
Maybe you feel bad your spouse or the like watches porno period, because you think it is wrong and so you are disillusioned; disappointed in your significant other.
Love to hear your opinions on this one. Thanks!
Ladies, be assertive and make time to have sex with your husband and boyfriend daily. I assure you, the porn issues will be minimal to none.
Wow this has gone way past the article. I've been married for 6 years now to a beautiful woman. Neither of us are in fantastic shape, we are both just average. We have a great sex life and both of us watch porn, together and apart. Just because you watch porn doesn't mean you are wanting it more than e your partner, though most people enjoy their time alone for some "personal time", this goes for males and females. You can have an awesome sex life and still enjoy a masterbatory episode alone. Porn offers you a variety of fantasies to enjoy. Not everyone enjoys the same interests, actually I'll bet that 90% of couples have a fantasy or fetish that the partner does not enjoy. I have mine, my wife has hers. Doesn't make her insecure to know that there are times where I want to indulge in those fantasies through visual stimulation, and same with hers. The key is communication and no over-indulging in watching porn. If you spend all day watching porn, of course your partner is going to be upset, male or female. If you compare your spouse to the actors, they will be upset. If you treat your spouse as your spouse, you have nothing to worry about. I spend the majority of our time together telling her how beautiful she is, and doing my damn best trying to keep her smiling. Couples need to talk to each other, learn each others interests. Too often these days people get together expecting their past experiences to tell them everything they needed to know about their present partner. Relationships are a learning experience and most people that lack self esteem are those that are unwilling to be patient enough grow together. Its not the porn that's a problem, its the couples that can't discuss their relationships past the basic knowledge of pointed object goes into the hole, and the electric bill is due on Thursday.
Whoa- a "pointed object"?
That would hurt!
LOL
Me and my wife watch porn together. For her she gets new idea of what to do in bed and tries them out. lol. And to be honest I prefer larger women. So my wife is a bigger woman and the sex is amazing. But porn is the fantasy world in which we turn to see what we can do it better and to try something new. Her esteem is high but I think it's just different with others. I see some guys are just upset their wives of girlfriends added some weight but really shouldn't matter. Just grab her and kiss her passionately and whisk her to the bedroom, nine out of ten times this will work. Instead of mumbling of why shes on the couch watching t.v. just pull her up and whisk her off her feet. Le sexy time will incur.
"308 college women, ages 18 to 29 years old"
That's hardly a large sample of women for a survey such as this. It especially doesn't merit the conclusion that porn and low self-esteem are linked.
I wouldn't give any credence to this study.
Actually 30 is the magic number for a study to be close to the total population. I would be more concerned about the group not being random.
Every survey of women will be about how their male partners did not satisfy their material and emotional needs in some way. Not even a woman could do that, so why expect that of a lesser being such as a man? The average American marriage lasts 6 yrs with women filing 70% of the divorces.
vince, they are ... who said they weren't ... sometimes they are the primary cause.
There is nothing wrong with having and expressing or exploring a healthy degree of sexual fantasies as long as it doesn't negatively impact one's relationships. It's the same as in any other aspect of life; ultimately, what is best is to strive for balance and harmony in one's self and in one's relationships.
I could repeat a whole bunch of stuff as to why men turn to porn, or why women turn to romance novels and fantasies of men having money and cleaning up after themselves, but it's rather pointless to retread old information. What's important to understand is that men and women clearly have different kinds of needs, and the only real morality issue here is that's it's wrong for one person to impose their moral viewpoint on another. Every couple has to find a balance of what's acceptable for them with regards to sexual fantasies & desire. Any discussion about the perceived evils of the porn industry is an entirely different topic.
Blanket judgements like, "People who watch porn are losers. People who work in the porn industry are disease-ridden whores," contribute nothing of value to the discussion. All this indicates is a complete lack of tolerance for what is essentially a fundamental part of male psychology. Similarly, turning sex into a power play by denigrating your partner ("Why can't YOU be like her?" "Why am I not good enough for you that you have to turn to watching THAT?") is destructive and demonstrates both a lack of maturity and a lack of understanding of how relationships work. People who try to impose these kinds of judgements on their partners need to seriously grow the hell up.
"People who watch porn are losers" women write this to shame men about men's needs that don't fit into the tight mold of female expectation.
I'm about the last person to understand this since I'm 29 and have yet to have a girlfriend, but I thought the whole point of having a girlfriend was so you didn't need porn!!! I mean geez I hate porn, but it's all i've got. Then again maybe the girls in these relationships just aren't all that sexually interested in their boyfriends.
You might be married to a great cook, and yet there will be occasions where you go for a burger. It's not better than a home cooked meal, but it's convenient and less hassle ... and you will probably feel a little dirty afterwards :-)
keith-113539, your comments are a pretty good indicator that you do not, in fact, understand male psychology very well. Not having a girlfriend has little to do with it -- you just need to be a student of human behavior and study yourself and other people.
Let me explain the situation another way:
A man and a woman are strolling through the mall. As his wife is idly shopping, the man pauses to ogle another young woman nearby. His wife sees him, smacks him on the arm and says, "What do you think you're doing?" He shrugs and replies, "Hey, I'm married, not dead."
Men are going to look. Women should get over it. Men should also be smart enough to balance fantasy against reality and not let the former have undue influence over their interactions with the latter.
Sure but correct me if I'm wrong here.. isn't a vagina much better than a hand? I mean I thought in the battle of hand versus vagina that vagina always won.
You're still missing the part that men will always be attracted to other women. And the whole point of fantasy aka porn in this instance is an escape from everyday reality. It's an escape that doesn't result in a man cheating on his woman with someone else. Also, sometimes men don't want to be bothered with all of the effort & work that goes into getting a woman to be willing to have sex (e.g. a date, dinner, dancing, talking for hours, foreplay, etc). Sometimes 5 minutes alone with yourself is good enough to satisfy one's immediate physical needs. Lastly, a woman is not always going to be available or interested when her man has needs that require fulfillment.
Really, all of this hate directed towards porn is just a thinly veiled attack on the male need for sex in general and masturbation in particular, both of which are firmly hardwired into our psyche. Suppressing it is both unhealthy and unjust.
You know Tim, I highly doubt you're a psychologist, so please don't make the "false-consensus" mistake and realize that not everyone thinks like you do.
And why do you think that this is "hardwired"? Evolutionary psychology is pseudo science.
Keith wrote "isn't a vagina much better than a hand?"
Which one costs more?
janellect, I'm well aware that not everyone agrees with me or thinks like I do, but thank you for stating the obvious. I'm not sure what that has to do with this discussion, other than that you seem to implying that you don't agree with my point of view. That's fine, I don't care if you or other people agree or not. How about you provide some detail on your own perspective instead of poking at mine?
Ok, here's my point of view. Young adults base their perception of real sex on what they are first exposed to. Occasional porn is OK, but the daily habit is destructive because it takes away from the drive to be with a real woman. As much as sex with the same person gets boring if you don't change it up, so does porn. Men can become conditioned NOT to like regular vaginal sex, or start to imitate what they see (not necessarily bad except for violent or physically risky stuff).
It cannot be proved that men are hardwired because evolutionary theories are just that. I can give you references on that if you need (psych text). If that were so, women would not have abortions because the need to have children would be hardwired according to the same line of thinking. I don't like excuses; people should admit to the truth (I hate my wife, we're both not cute anymore, I don't like sharing, I can't get anyone else, I can't help myself).
A lot of this stuff is cultural, just as Reuben's paintings were the epitome of beauty long ago... we all know it ain't so these days. Heck, look at curvy women until Twiggy (1960s) in advertising and you'll see a lot of marketing influence. Compare silent film star bodies to modern clothing models... all these factors have nothing to do with hardwiring except we become more accepting and desensitized to what we're exposed to.
Least I forget, I know my husband doesn't like me looking (he makes it very obvious), so it makes sense that he's not the only one. I also know he'd be hurt if I subbed him out with another fantasy. Personally in my own experience, I do not get off on fantasizing about someone who is not mine because it's just such a let down to think that I want something I cannot have. I have to be happy with what I have and he is a good man, so why do I want something else? I realize that's not everyone's goal, but my own personal view.
My, my, seems like this story got a lot of porn watchers on the defensive. I really get sick of the "If a woman did this or that for her man then he wouldn't look at porn." Or "Men want women with hot bodies so ladies you to need to shape up!" What if you look good, keep yourself in shape and are ready to do anything to please your man and he still lives in a fantasy world of porn? And BTW, are all you guys out there defending porn the hottest stud on the block? Guys there are a lot of men out there with low self-esteem, sexually inhibited, and just pretty much sucky when it comes to the bedroom that love porn because it makes them feel like a big man. Quit blaming your love of porn on your wives and gf's. The same women that pick up after you, bear your children, cook your meals and in some cases will be the one there to care for you when you are sick or dying. Love and lust are two different things. When your mate chooses to spend his time ogling porn stars and the like it really kills a lot of warm feelings. I say that if this is what a man wants then he should stay single and get his sex from pros or his hand.
and the women who think they should be put in a pedestal just cause they are women. women like the ones who bitch about their men viewing habits are nothing more than controlling people with issues and would complain if they were put in the same spot..."The same women that pick up after you, bear your children, cook your meals and in some cases will be the one there to care for you when you are sick or dying" they are 3 billion people on earth and iam sure the 65% of them that are women would do the same thing..spare me the self righteous and queenizum
Reading through these comments are just killing me. For the most part everyone is being very judgemental and living in the land of stereotypes.
Here is the long and short of it... In reality it isn't a small waistline, etc that men are attracted to when men watch porn. It is confidence and a willingness to experiment. Men want a woman that is confident and willing to be open with her body and sexuality. Now, if you are uncomfortable with yourself which is preventing you from being that woman in bed, fix your issue and be that person. I am not as thin as I was when I married my husband because of some medical issues but my husband's desire has never waivered because I am still confident and very sexual with him. Also, now that the issue has been resolved I am working out again, eating healthy and losing the weight. He doesn't view porn because he doesn't have the need to, if he wants pictures I send him some and if he wants vidoe to watch when we aren't together I can make that happen also. Men do have a higher sex drive than women but women also seem to find many excuses not have sex. If you aren't in the mood ladies and you start to have sex chances are when your partner begins to pleasure you that your mood will change significantly. Instead of chastising your man for doing what is primal and natural be his porn star, be willing to experiment, be sexual and confident.
In the same breath I have to say to the men out there, help your women. My husband and I don't have easy jobs, we don't have an abundance of money but we make time for each other and part of that is him helping me around the house. If we take care of that together then we have more time for other things. Also, we make time for dates, talking, etc. We have been married several years and it took a significant amount of work to get to where we are but it was worth it. I am in an excellent marriage.
Basically, it boils down to both parties in the relationship being honest with each other, confidence and being the fantasy. But I am going to tell you men, don't expect your partner to be perfect when you don't know where the gym is. My husband is incredibly fit and I work hard to be physically fit for him also. That isn't a one way street. But everyone needs to quit pointing fingers at the other gender and do the work to make their relationships what they want them to be.
awsome kitty...HIGH five ya!!
Excellent post Kitty. BTW, my favorite porn is pictures of my wife naked. Those are a very welcome treat when I'm on business travel and I get an email from her with a few attachments and a note saying "I can't wait until you get home!"
kitty, fyi, a lot of men do not have higher sex drives... or interested in anything but vanilla sex.
janellect, A lot of men are much less interested in sex with their dates after three months or so, let alone a lifetime of monogamy.
Yeah vince, but some people like the stability of a marriage and the comfort of familiarity, especially when the rest of their life is crazy. We are all different and that's why it's important to find a mate with the same values as you. If you don't like being with the same person, you probably shouldn't get married or have kids.
Re: physical attributes, I like the old Pennsylvania Dutch saying: "Kissin' don't last, cookin' do."
Tina, I agree with you on some levels... But the kissing doesn't have to stop. People, for the most part, are emotional beings. Humans crave touching, feeling, interacting. It is a completely misconstrued to think that the time will come in a marriage where physical and emotional interaction isn't necessary. I love it when I visit supermarkets and notice elderly couples holding hands or giving one another a small kiss. It is human nature and necessary in any relationship. What is sad is a study has been done that states in marriages over two years the kissing has stopped. It is really no wonder why the divorce rate is at an all time high. I am a spectacular cook, but I can assure you the kissing will never stop.
Now for Janellect... The only thing I can say to you is... I have no idea who in the world you are sleeping with but either they find you to be a, "nine at night with the lights out on Saturday" kinda gal or you are just picking the few men that just want it missionary style. Before I was married I have been with other men and I have yet to find one that was just interested in vanilla sex. Maybe I have a gift for finding men that have the same sexual needs and desires I do, but for your sake I hope you find someone that can show you what sex is actually supposed to be.
Oh and than you AZDAD and Me, Myself and I. And AZDAD, I am glad you and your wife are on the same sexy page :)
This story is awfully one sided. You should have also included the men that look at porn. I bet you that most of them if not all have very low self-esteem of themselves and don't feel wanted and/or needed. Many single men get that feeling and look at porn even though they don't particularly want to or like the stuff. I believe many men involved in relationships have the same problem with porn. It's not the girlfriend or the wife, it's could be the fact that they've had a hard time as a kid being bullied or other problems, like just suffering from depression. His partner should ask him some questions and talk about it with him and be respectful of this possibility. Maybe then you should politely suggest that you both seek some counseling together and talk about this together with the couselor.
Robert wrote " I bet you that most of them if not all have very low self-esteem of themselves"
More of the same ol "men that watch porn are losers." Men are entitled to fantasy. If women were as interested in viewing sexual images as men, there would be an equal market for women. There is no doubt that male sex is viewed as less valuable by women, squarely placing men in the pursuit role and women in the rejection role.
There is always a woman or a mangina counselor ready to condemn men. If a man does something wrong, it's his fault. If a woman does something wrong, it's his fault.
I love my wife and the fact that she likes us to watch porn together. She always is willing to fulfill any of my fantasies. I guess I am one of the few lucky ones.
she is a keeper boston and a true life partner..well done
I try to tell my wife she needs to swallow my load like Bobbi Starr does. I play it for her and tell her she swallows like a champion, but my wife just cries. HELP!
John, some women, in fact more than a few, do NOT like to swallow. In fact, if she will even let you ejaculate in her mouth, you are ahead of a lot of guys. BUT, here you are comparing your wife to some porn star, which is something she isn't, and may not want to be. If you asking her to swallow makes her cry, better you find a new way of getting off. ANY time you make a woman cry, other than strictly by accident, is a big strike against no one but you. Yes,she will remember the times you hurt her, emotionally or otherwise, and it is a good bet she will be holding all that against you in the future.
Most men have the common sense to be able to look around where they live and see that the women they view online (or elsewhere) are extraordinary looking. I view porn because I am not sexually satisfied at home. My wife knows this and is ok with it, but I don't EVER bring it up with her...nor do I place unrealistic expectations on her. Follow those two "rules" and you are all good...unless you make your woman feel inadequate...that is unacceptable. At that point, you have a problem.
ANOTHER false bullsheet study done by men hating women that didn't have any self esteem to begin with so they find ways to vilify men as aways. and for the guys who take the women side of it hopeing to score points..advivce...drop your testies like sunblinds and be a man before you are lead arounbd with a choker by these men hating fem-bots who wouldnt give you the time of day anyways.
@Me. LOL, these fem-bots as you call then could use a little porn in their lives. Maybe it would relieve some of the pent up frustrations.
amen!! i wonder if they know that women in porn make more money then the males actors. WHY is it that the majority of these men-hating fem-bots are very unattractive on the outside and inside.
I find it hilarious that the question could most definitely be reversed here, ladies. How often do we get let down and disappointed by all the itty, bitty peckers out there? LOL!
About as often as the vaginas that are so loose that it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
Some couples use “soft porn” as a learning tool. Face it most women these days are dumber then a box of rocks when it comes to the ability on how to be sultry, sexy, or what ever you want to call it, “how to attract and keep a mate”.
Most women are more worried about climbing the corporate ladder then the ability to please and be pleased by their mate. Then they are surprised their relationships fall apart.
So by watching these films they can see what movements entice and hold excitement in a man. Like was said earlier in this thread. Men are visual much most so then woman.
To all you idiots going on about how it's always the woman's fault if she's bothered by her man's porn watching...what about when the girlfriend is - literally - begging her boyfriend for sex and going out of her way to try to turn him on, and he'd rather jerk off to porn? I don't mind porn at all - I sometimes watch, and I'm the one telling my husband that he should get off to some porn if I'm away for a couple days - but there's a point where it can take over a relationship, for sure, and it happened to me with an ex. And NO, I wasn't fat or sloppy, I was wearing a size 0 at the time, and plenty of guys were hitting on me. (Not that that should matter, really. Especially if you're married and did that whole "for better or for worse" vow.)
if that happens its not the porn..maybe he is just not into you..ever heard of that
me, perhaps the dude should break it off then instead of being a Jerk-off
Many women blame the porn or something/anything the man does in a failed relationship. Why aren't women responsible for 50% of the failures?
and 60% of initiated divorces. @ jan, why can;t the woman be strong enough to walk away? it comes to remind me the BS statement on why women do not leave a relationship..an abusive one but they can kill. "not strong enough to leave BUT strong ENOUGH to kill"
My first wife hated porn but she also thought sex more than once a year was overdoing it. That's why she had image issues and is an EX_Wife.
FDDS---Fed Dogs Don't Stray!
Sounds like there are lots of different issues here so I can't choose which one to comment on!
Terri - I'm willing to bet you have deeper issues than just this pornography topic.
If you changed your weight, habits or attitude since you got married, you may not be the same person your spouse married and was attracted to. Remember who you were when you got married - that's who they fell in love with!
Ladies - If you don't understand why men look at other women than you don't understand men.
Guys - You need to keep this in perspective and respect your lady.
If anyone says "why can't you be like that?" it is a good time to start reconsidering your whole relationship with that person.
I am guessing that much of the porn issue comes from a sexual need imbalance in the relationship. Porn may be a solution but it should be one for both.
As a woman, I find this article to be neither accurate or fair. The comments are far more disturbing depending on how you look at them. I truly don't understand the female approach to porn that is usually projected. That or maybe I am the one that is "flawed" because I enjoy porn. I'm married and overweight, was before we met and before we got married so I guess he won't spend his time daydreaming of how it used to be? Self image has a lot to do with porn and the honesty a woman uses when speaking about it or approaching it I indulge in it with him, for him and on my own and I know he does as well. But I know I have his respect, acceptance and in the end his full attention and I would wager that is missing a lot of the time in these cases. I don't imagine that he compares them to me because that is a foolish self set-up for dissapointment as we are both surrounded everyday by women that could be called skinnier and prettier than I am. I'm missing the link between what a more attractive and distant woman has to do with my sex life. If my husband wants to up and leave me for some 92 pound stripper then there is something else there that was broken. Because even the 92 pound stripper, the perfectly shaped porn star and the gorgeous lingerie models lose relationships. I don't begrudge my husband for being a man or any part of him that makes him a man and I would hope he will always do the same for me. I really feel that Porn has so little to do with it unless you're already driving in the wrong direction...as always, just a silly little opinion...
My ex-wife thought it was proper for her to be addicted to adultery and improper for me to look at females. Psycho job, she was!