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Subscribe to RSSA chagrined man with a girlie magazine under his arm, shuffling into a small, clinical-looking room, has helped turn the act of semen collection into a sitcom staple. Now, a few sperm banks are hoping to change that unappealing image by inviting men to skip the office altogether.
On Monday, the Cleveland Clinic launched its “NextGen” sperm banking kit. Potential customers can request the kit, collect the sample “in the comfort of their own home,” as the cliché goes, and then send the kit back by overnight express.
That sounds much less embarrassing, but are American men really crying out for such a service? And while sperm are pretty hearty swimmers in their intended environment, can they really survive the punishment meted out by the UPS guy?
Sperm banking has traditionally been used for just a few reasons: for storing donor sperm for in vitro fertilization (IVF) when a would-be father is infertile, or a woman is single or part of a lesbian couple; to secure a man’s, or a boy’s, fertility before he begins cancer treatments that could kill off his sperm-making ability; men having a vasectomy who want to hedge their bets; and, in rare cases, as a repository for the sperm of men who have just died, or for men about to engage in some dangerous event, like going to war.
Those are pretty limiting reasons, and since sperm banks usually serve a local area, most have never been regarded as much of a profit center. They’ve been more of a necessary adjunct service for IVF providers and cancer centers.
Now, though, by offering shipping, Ashok Agarwal, director of the Cleveland Clinic’s andrology laboratory and sperm bank said, the market becomes “anywhere in the U.S.” and the customer any man who’s worried about his future fertility for whatever reason.
To use the NextGen kit, customers call the lab and request it. The lab sends out a box with a specimen cup, sperm preservation media, ice packs, and a return shipping label. The media is stored in the refrigerator, the ice packs in the freezer. A man masturbates, ejaculating into a specimen cup, dumps in the media (essentially sperm food), packs the box with the sample and the ice packs, and sends it off. According to Agarwal, there’s virtually no difference in sperm quality between shipped and locally collected samples.
The andrology lab at the University of Illinois at Chicago also offers an at-home sperm banking kit, which it calls “OverNite Male.” It works about the same way.
The Chicago lab charges $50 for the kit, $150 for cryopreservation, and $275 per year for storage. The Cleveland Clinic’s program charges $689 for the first banked sample, including the first year of storage, and an annual storage fee of $140 thereafter.
But Cappy Rothman, a pioneering UCLA urologist and the founder of the world’s largest sperm bank, California Cryobank, isn’t so sure either of these is a good idea.
“It’s almost like gambling,” he declared. “The survivability [of sperm] is poor.” His outfit experimented with such kits, once over a decade ago and again more recently and “we found it unreliable. We did not think the results were good enough to encourage people to do it.”
Dr. Robert Oates, professor of urology at Boston University and president of the Society for Male Reproduction and Urology, agreed with Agarwal that when everything goes exactly according to plan, the kits can work. But, he said, the creation of such systems “is really about marketing a product” to men who may not need it.
Of course, the fees and the risk may be worth it if they really do help people preserve their fertility. David Sampson, a spokesmen for the American Cancer Society (ACS), said the organization encourages doctors and patients to discuss fertility before beginning treatments, and, according to the ACS, “sperm banking is an effective way for men who have gone through puberty to store sperm for future use.” It encourages oncologists to offer banking to all men and boys. (Soon, female egg banking – which has recently shown improved results -- may be standard, too.)
But both Oates and Rothman pointed out that the mail-in option ought to be a last resort used mainly by men located in very rural areas, for example, where sperm banking may be unavailable. Most oncology, fertility and urology practices have local systems in place for storing sperm. “Practically every city has sperm banks,” Oates said.
“It would be more prudent for anybody having difficulty finding a sperm bank to go through an IVF center and have the specimen processed [frozen], and sent to the sperm bank of their choice,” Rothman said.
And as for the idea of banking against risks, Oates believes some facilities seem to be encouraging very unlikely scenarios as a way to drum up business. “Marketing to those in dangerous professions means they’d have to get their testicles shot off,” he said. “I mean, if you do get them shot off, you are going to be happy you banked sperm, but those are very limited numbers of people.”
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OMFGHSIT!
I've found I can't hide much under the pillow.
Why is this the most hilarious story of the year yet! Next, DIY prostate exam and trans-vaginal massaging!
I've always banked at home.
Telecommuting takes on a whole new meaning!
Instead of "banking," shouldn't it be referred to as "spanking?"
More like yanking.
or wanking.
I hope it comes with a gallon jug.
Just close your eyes and suck on a hose?
Yep, Just close my eyes and suck on a hose.
This would be a great deal if they paid me for it! I'd donate twice a day!
Perhaps the solution is to recognize that some people are not meant to have children if they can't produce their own sperm and/or eggs or are must go to these ridiculous, twisted, if not perverted, lengths to have children?
There are countless children out there who are crying out for parents sitting around like drift wood in orphanages that no one wants, yet we have self-centered individuals spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant when every natural force is hell bent on preventing them from bestowing upon the earth their progeny. How utterly selfish; as if their particular line is so incredibly special that the human race couldn't survive without the fruit of their loins.
Dah. Maybe they weren't meant to have children. Just because we have the technology - be it to get pregnant against nature's will and against all odds or to wipe out all life on earth doesn't mean we should use it.
But, what's a Doctor to do, when there is money aplenty to be made - turn this or her back on it? God forbid; don't even suggest it. After all, that would be un-American wouldn't it?!
The very idea of a man jerking off and selling their "seed", so some stranger, who was never meant to have children and who may or may not turn out to be a good parent, can raise a child that is sired by them "in absentia" is sickening, twisted and should be consider as such by anyone who has a bit of commonsense in their body. It may not be illegal but it certainly is immoral. It certainly is a total abrogation of caring and responsibility on the part of the money grubber who sold his sperm to the highest bidder.
There was a time when people cared about who raised their children - apparently that time is passed.
Stoops, dare I say it? Different strokes for different folks?
Sounds like a whack job to me!
You gotta someone love with a great sense of humor, One really fed up boomer!
Was that as good for you as it was for me? lol
Just because someone can't reproduce on their own doesn't make them sick, twisted or mentally ill. There are MORE than enough people who are extremely fertile who don't need to be able to own plants much less have kids
@Stoops2Conquer - How dare you - such a sad and ignorant comment. Not meant to have a child because it's not an easy thing to accomplish naturally? What about all the terrible parents in the world? People who desperately want to be parents, but have other challenges (fertility or finding a partner or having a same sex partner) will probably be some of the best parents. Those who feel the need to take extreme measures to have a child are passionate enough to be some of the most caring parents, raising their children with utter intent, and not on a whim like so many pathetic people just have kids because "that's what people do," or they get pregnant unintentionally. While I totally agree that there are a lot of children in the world who need homes, and for some, this is the right way to go, you say that as if adopting a child is both easy and more affordable than paying for fertility treatments. It can cost easily as much to adopt, can take a great deal of time, can involve immense amounts of red tape, can be limited as to who are allowed to adopt (some countries will not approve single-parent homes, or same-sex couples or parents over 40 or 45,) and presents numerous other potential challenges that do not come up if you are able to have your own. Different people choose to try to have their own vs adopt for so many reasons. An example is for me: my grandparents survived Nazi Germany, had only 1 child -my mother; my father's family is small, my brother is not very likely to get married; I have always wanted to be a mother, knowing I will be a loving, supportive parent, and come from a line of highly intelligent, accomplished, loving people, so yes, I'd like to perpetuate my bloodline. Perhaps a little selfish, but I too deserve to have the life that I want. If I cannot have my own, I am very open to adopting but I have no idea if the baby's mother took care of herself during pregnancy, as many countries have high incidents of fetal alcohol syndrome, malnutrition and numerous other ailments and risk factors that are much higher where there are a lot of children available to adopt. Your words are of one who clearly does not care about being a parent (in which case you don't have the capacity to understand the other side of this issue) or your reasoning rings of the religious right, which is simple ignorance. Those are the words of someone who probably also has issues with gay people since that is probably also something you would view as "unnatural". Just because someone is physically capable of having a baby, naturally, is certainly no indicator that they should be a parent. Your argument is abhorrent...
Drl621, Greetings....u say a lil "selfish" I think alot selfish. U & many others use adoption as a last resort. U stated that there are issue(s) w/adoption, well the same can be said for having one's own. There is no way of knowing ur "spawn" will be good or bad, whether it will have any disabilities or not. Being a loving & supportative parent isn't just biology. I was raised by my grand-parent(s) (one wasn't blood) since I was 9mnths old. They were my mom & dad. They were there thru the good times as well the bad. I know this is asking to much of u & countless others.....try putting urself in those kids shoes, wouldn't u want a family that loved & supported u? When I say "support" I don't mean $$$. I mean be there to guide the child thru the stages of growth w/out taking away their spirit & own identity. Most think kids should be lil carbon-copies or try & live out their dreams thru a child w/out seeing the child for whom they are. Doesn't matter to me straight. gay. mixed race marriage, ect.... What matters is that one is loving, respectful, & naturing. Having one's own child does not guarantee a healthy, stable child anymore than adopting is seen as slumming. If one truely believes they have "love" in their hearts they can love any child bio or otherwise. So I question u & many others to whether u might not be deserving to be a parent? "Have a great day." : )
I would just have my "hot n naughty" maid "spank my monkey".:)
Did you know back in the 50's i think women could go to the doctor's office to get a "massage" between their legs for "stress relief". I saw a history show about it several years ago and was like NOWAY!
My ex-wife was a teller a drive-in sperm bank. She liked her job. Her only complaint was "the early withdraws were murder!".
with all the recent bank mergers there will soon be only two banks left, the blood bank and the sperm bank. when they merge they will be called the bloody effing bank.
Can I sue them if I go blind?
Had I known about this decades ago, I woulda been too big to fail by now.
Son of a bitch, and I thought I hated banks. Hmm, can't beat em join em... wait, uh, well, you know what I mean.
yea,,,bet walgreens sales of atrificial vagina sales will skyrocket now. i better get stock NOW! hahah
If I can get money for sperm, I have a towel at home worth about 4 million dollars.....
I overheard a woman today saying that the local sperm bank is hiring tellers for the drive-up window... she's probably going to apply for a job - she may not like receiving deposits.
This is news? I've been doing this with an ice cube tray for years.
Yeah, and I remember that one Christmas party where you forgot to mark the trays...
I bank in the toilet or my local slut down the street.....
I bank in the slut down the street.....
They forgot to add the cigarette in the kit...
More fun making babies the old fashion way. Sperm bank would go broke if it was up to me.
I remember how they laughed at me when I ran into the sperm bank, with my mouth up, and said "Uhd lik t mk a dipisit!"
They need to open a place where the guy can have a woman masturbating in front of him. If she's good enough, then he'll be in and out quickly. I suppose the DIY package kinda includes that tho, sorta ..provided the guy has a wife or girlfriend at home. I love masturbating so I'd do it for less than most. I'm aware I just called myself cheap in a roundabout way.
I don't like quickies. Thank goodness they make prolong for men. But everyone does masturbate at one time or another, no big deal, just part of nature.
Does the kit come with Vaseline?
Vaseline for us 99%er's and KY Jelly for the 1%er's - after all they need to go "UP"scale in all "things".
Open letter to Rush Limbaugh, Your problem is taken care of. Here we have a Bank where men can make deposits at will. Women can make withdrawals and the government and insurance companies don't need to be involved unless they want to charge for "safety deposit" boxes. You might even be able to take advantage of the latest marketing give away - a golden dildo microphone with an EIB pop filter mounted down low so you can get up close and personal with it.
@One, his problem isn't taken care of. He likes little boys, not women. Otherwise, your humor is nicely put.