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Subscribe to RSSSome do it with malice. Others, through a misguided notion that money or family heirlooms don't really matter to the person. Whatever the reason, the plight of the disinherited -- or those who may be cut out of the family wealth in the future --has been highlighted by a bitter legal battle between Australia’s “richest mom,” Gina Rinehart, and her three children.
Tony Mcdonough / EPA file
Gina Rinehart, Australia's richest person, want to cut three of her children from access to their stakes in the mining business she has run for the past 20 years.
The billionaire says it would be in the "best interests of the beneficiaries to force them to go to work" rather than let them inherit her mining empire.
Then there's Mary Beth Caschetta, whose father cut her out of his will in dramatic movie star style.
"There was a line in my father's will similar to what Joan Crawford used when she disinherited her daughter," says the 45-year-old medical writer and author from Massachusetts. "'I leave no bequest to my daughter for reasons known to her.'"
Caschetta, who wrote about being disinherited in theNew York Times' Modern Love column last December is just one of many people who've felt the sting of a relative's reproach from beyond the grave, often for reasons that are only clear to the deceased.
Disinheriting children or a spouse -- or everyone in the family -- is not uncommon and not limited to the rich, either. It can be spurred by hurt, spite, fear, experts say, or because the head of the family feels the heirs are “manifestly unsuitable” to manage the estate, as billionaire Rinehart claimed in The Australian.
Baffling and unexpected
"I don't think there is one simple answer as to why people are disinherited," says Caschetta, who was so baffled by her father's act that she decided to write a book on the subject. "You don't have to be gay. You don't have to be estranged. You don't have to be a chronic disappointment to your parents. It can literally happen to anyone."
Psychotherapist Ken Clark, a certified financial planner from Little Rock, Ark., says the deceased often has some wound, such as abandonment or infidelity, that has never been resolved -- and cutting off the heirs is a kind of final payback.
"The person who gets cut out of the will get a taste of how the other person has been hurt," Clark says.
Even for those who understand why they're being disinherited, the act can be painful.
"I was an abused child and adolescent and was thrown out of my house when I was 15 years old," says Drew Stevens, a 50-year-old marketing and business development consultant from Eureka, Miss. "My father and I had an estranged relationship. I found out that he died via a Google alert."
Being intentionally disinherited left him feeling "absolutely awful."
"When I read the will, I was in shock," says Stevens, whose younger brother was also cut off. "To me, it felt like one more opportunity to kick me in the head."
Egotism also comes into play. The wealthy may worry their heirs will squander the “only monument” they’ve left behind -- the money they’ve spent their whole lives accumulating, says Clark. But totally cutting someone from a will isn't really necessary
"We can create trusts that have income-only provisions, so you can't spend the principle,” Clark says. “Or you can name a trustee that monitors a child's behavior."
How commonly are people cut off?
New York attorney Jeffrey A. Asher says in the 16 years he's been practicing estate law, he's worked on hundreds of wills and that disinheritance comes up "quite often."
"Sometimes it's as simple as the client has life insurance set aside for one child over another," he says. "Or the client's child is part of the business and the other children or not."
Asher sees disagreements, anger, resentment and disparate treatment between children as common drivers for disinheritance. Or the heir is perceived as not needing the money.
"The shame and the reality is that the [person] may really need the inheritance and just hasn't been open about his situation," says Asher.
Not just about money
The pain of disinheritance can be even worse when the estate is distributed outside the family.
Tobi Kosanke, a 47-year-old geologist from Hempstead, Tex., says that when her uncle passed away, he left everything, including a slew of family heirlooms, to a stranger.
"Our uncle was our last close relative and my brother and I were cut out of his will," says Kosanke. "He left everything to his dog sitter. All of the family heirlooms, including my wedding silver, were left to a stranger. My mother would be spinning in her grave."
Caschetta has heard from about 100 disinherited people since her New York Times essay came out.
“When I was disinherited, it felt like a psychologically violent attack,” she says. “I felt terrible and I know other people I've spoken to felt that way, too."
FAMOUS POSTHUMOUS SNUBS:
- Joan Crawford,aka "Mommie Dearest," completely cut out Christina and Christopher, her two oldest adopted children, and left her other two adopted children $77,500 each.
- Tony Curtis chose "not to provide" for his five children, including actress Jamie Lee Curtis, in his final will.
- Bette Davis disinherited her daughter B.D. Hyman (and her children) after Hyman published a tell-all book about their relationship, "My Mother's Keeper."
- Marlon Brando left behind a $30 million estate. However, none of it went to his grandson Tuki, the son of Brando's deceased daughter Cheyenne.
- Michael Jackson left behind no provisions for his father, Joe Jackson, or any of his eight siblings, in his last will and testament. The estate, which exceeds $500 million, did place assets in a family trust to benefit Jackson's children (as well as a number of charities). Jackson's mother, Katherine, was named beneficiary of the trust and appointed guardian of his children.
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Yes , this is very painful.. Its has never happen to me personally.However, my dad put a caveat in his will Unbeknowgst to me about my brother..I leave on purpose nothing to him for reasons well known to him..Okay dad you win and your dead..You cant take it with you, and willfully doing this makes no sense..However, Its thier final wishes and thier money.. I was just astounded to hear this read by the lawyer at the will reading which happen years ago... Money will not keep you healthy dad died of lung cancer,it will not love you unless you buy love,and it will not make you beautiful as the hag from Australia has shown .Geesh ,pull it together woman and have some respect for yourself.Get some work done.She looks rode hard and put away wet. That is all!! lol!
The Australian woman raised the children. It was her responsibility as a parent to foster a positive relationship with her children. She instilled their work ethic and values, or lack thereof, and now punishes them for her failures?
Life is very twisted at times.
It can be even worse. My father was disinherited by his father. In his will, he stated, "You could've had it all, if you didn't marry that woman." That woman is my mother and they have been married over 30 years at the time of his death. My father said the worse thing is we (his grandchildren) never had "grandparents" thanks to that stubbornness. Please note, in my entire life, they lived less than 3 miles from our house and I never saw them. That is the harm parents can do to children emotionally and mentally. Even on his way to the grave, he still kick my father down. No love loss there.
I am sorry to hear that, Carrie. But in a way, I do feel sorry for your grandfather. Because he missed on being a grandfather to you. Of course, he only has himself to blame... People can be so weird. I was visiting a castle back in Europe couple years back. The Lord who has built this beautiful place was disinherited by his father because he married a woman " of a line not noble enough". And what do you think he did when his son fell in love and married an "unsuitable" woman ???? Was he understanding ???? Not really. He disinherited him.
Your parents only requirement are to raise you. There is no law or rule that says you get something when they die. Would you be just as happy to inherit their debt. I have looked after my mom for some time. She has cancer. She has two sons and a daughter.
One son lives out of state, rarely if ever calls even on holidays, birthdays, to acknowledge and give thanks for gifts sent, to figure out a way to visit her when she was in the hospital on four seperate occassions, ect...
The daughter basically was a bit wild in her youth. She married a well known musician and worked as a manager for strip clubs for many years. She had a yacht, corvettes, cadillacs, and many other nice things. Visits to see mom were twice a year. Although she did visit more frequently when mom was sick or hospitalized. However her son was basically raised and supported by grandma.
The other son (myself) installed an air conditioner for her, came back early from vacation when she was ill, visited her regularly in all of her hospital stays, stops by occassionally, leaves small treats for her occassionally, buys her coffee, leaves her gifts on holidays, his wife frequently cleaned and dressed wounds after surgery, he replaced all light switches with lights one, repaired truck several times at her home, repaired her car after an accident and it goes on and on and on and on.
I expect nothing from her. Not a dime. Because it is her money to do with as she will. She made me executor to her will and said I would recieve more than the others because she gave my brother money to by his house, she raised my sisters child, and because I help her out all the time. She asked me what percentage I should get. To her I replied I don't care and said she didn't have to leave me anything if she didn't want to.
Oddly enough after staying a few days with my uncle and his wife he called and added me to his will. He told me he took his son out and put me in. He said he liked that we didn't take advantage of him when we visited. And we didn't. We paid our own way if it meant stuffing cash into the waiters pocket ahead of time to make sure we paid for the meal. We left them a gift certificate to their favorite restaraunt. We always cleaned up after ourselves and left everything as clean or cleaner than we found it. Or in other words we showed our gratitude for their hospitality. The thing is I felt stupid when he offered up an inheritance. I didn't refuse it but I have no desire to collect it. I'm not wealthy or anything I just don't need or want it.
I never got anything when my father died. His wife later sent a ring that he used to wear. And that means more to me than any amount of money could. If she hadn't sent it that would have been okay. Having seen people toe tag things immediately after death, carry stuff off, try fight to lay claim to items quite frankly isn't much better than grave robbing. I don't get it.
It is greed and a preconcieved notion you have an entitlement owed to you. Only you don't.
Actually, 4thepeople, I helped my parents with their debt. They are still alive and I am hoping they will be for a long time. I also do not excpect to "collect" anything after they die - but if they see me fit to look after the family photo album I would be honored and happy too. And that is the thing some people do not understand. For some, it is not just the money. It is the feeling of being dishonored. It feels like getting a message saying - you are not worthy to look after my stuff. It feels like being cut out of a family. Are there lots of money hungry people ??? Sure. My friend´s aunt is pressuring her grandmother to sign over the house to her because it is so not fair for her having to wait for the old lady´s death to start enjoying the house ... :( But as I said, for some people it is not just about the money . It cuts much deeper.
Btw, 4thepeolple, It is great to hear about people like you. I completely understand you have no desire to collect the inheritance. You don´t have to refuse it. How about helping him to figure out a charity he would like to leave/donate this money ??? Do you have a cause that is close to your heart ???? There are lot of organizations/people who are working hard for a good thing - and they can ALWYAS use more money to support their effort :)
I absolutely agree with and have always believed that we're not entitled to anything from our parents or other relatives. I've encouraged my parents to do with whatever they want with what money, possessions, etc. they have. It's theirs not mine nor my siblings, even though we do help them out now when we can. They reared us to be self-sufficient, successful, respectful, honorable human beings, etc. They did their jobs...so now they can enjoy. The same holds true for the nieces and nephews. They're not entitled to what their parents and uncles have either. If we choose to leave them something, then that's fine. But it's also not being disinherited in many cases when a family member is not left anything. That thought is nothing more than ego and selfishness. And a major problem with people today, especially, in the western world.
I think it all depends on the person who did not get anything, happened to me and my brothers our sister got everything, It did not bother me one bit and when I die she will get everything I have to, it all comes down to who needs it the most, people that feel hurt or bad are selfish and probably did not deserve anything anyway.
So, if you thought your parent was unfair to your sibling, did you give him part of your inheritance?
I was disinherited by my father, who was extremely abusive to my brother and I all our lives. It was all about attempting to control and causing hurt/pain. This was a man who, if I were as young today and he was doing his "fathering" thing, he'd have been locked up for child abuse. In addition, my father NEVER paid child support for my brother and I after the divorce, so as a result, we grew up very poor.
I refuse to EVER allow him to hold his precious money over my head. It's all he's got left. The day he told me I was disinherited, I told him he could take his money and stick it where the sun never shines. That was nearly 20 years ago. I've never spoken to him again and I'll never regret it. Money in exchange for abuse is never an alternative. Let it go.
So, if you thought the will was so unfair to your brother, did you give him part of your inheritance or did you keep it all for yourself.
hs321,
With kids, if they do not want to listen, no matter how hard you try to instill values and other stuff into them, if they simply do not want to listen or take the advice, there is not a thing any parents can do for them.
Hunter says: "my dad put a caveat in his will Unbeknowgst to me about my brother.."
But I'll bet he was spinning in his grave when you and the rest of the family reversed his caveat by taking good care of your brother.
As others have already pointed out I just don’t understand why kids think they are entitled to their parent’s money after they die. When my own father died I really needed money badly but I was not expecting any from him. And in fact I did not receive a dime. He was so old and set in his ways that he was threatening to disown a different member of the family every week, not for doing anything bad, but for simply living our own lives. I wasn’t interested in playing his games though and the money never mattered to me anyway, despite being poor. He could have given all his money to charity if he had wanted to, it’s none of my business. Its always disgusted me how relatives will circle like vultures when someone with money kicks off. They all think they are entitled to something just because they are related to this person. I on the other hand don’t consider that my parents "owe" me anything when they die so I don’t feel cheated if they don’t leave me anything. And it doesn’t matter if its ten thousand dollars or ten million.
Another problem with unfair distribution of an inheritance is when the children aren't treated fairly and there is no explanation as to why it was done. That happened to me. I worked as a single mom all my life. I struggled to be successful, saved, never asked for assistance from my parents, but was the primary person called to help out when my parents needed physical help, and I lived 3000 miles away. While my brother worked sporadically, borrowed money from me and our parents. As the executor, imagine my hurt, when I found out that my brother got over 2/3rds of a fairly large estate. Plus my brother treats me with less than respect! It took six months for me to realize, that she did it because he had nothing and I was able to take of myself. So folks, if you do an uneven split, please write a note to the person who gets the short end of the stick and explain why. Include it with your will.
Some parents have a real reason. Imagine that you had 4 children. One cost you a fortune with constant extraordinary needs for nonsense--and you gave in. The other 3 never asked for anything. Logically, the user gets cut out. It's the parent's money--not the children's and they can leave it to whomever or whatever cause they choose. When your time comes, then it's your decision.
I think all of you who say that the money does not matter are full of crap. Lets face facts, it is a kindness to care for mom or dad or grandma, etc.,and I truly hope that we all do it because we care and not because we want. It is a sad day when caring or showing attention for your mom or dad is done on a quid pro qua basis.To do for them hoping or expecting to be rewarded financially after they pass away is the behavior of a greedy scheming person. My mom passed away on Valentine's day from cancer and she left nothing to any of her kids. She left her 1.7 million dollar estate to my niece and her husband of 2 weeks!! I have no clue why she did this. She did not leave any cryptic message to any of us in her will and I would like to think that I was a good son. I have lived 1100 miles away from her for the last 10 years and have not had the money to visit. I was homeless for two years and I actually went back to college at the age of 53 just so I could receive financial aid in order to have enough money to put a roof over my head. It is cold and wet up here in Oregon so I considered the opportunity to go back to school a double blessing. A warm, dry place to sleep, and the opportunity to get a B.S. degree in Business which I will have by the end of next year. It is hard to travel on 700.00 a month total income, especially when a round trip plane ticket or the cost of gas to go home and back would by itself be one months income. Yet I did always call mom on her birthday and Christmas, and I sent flowers or a gift when i could. I do not think that my mother intentionally left her kids out of her will or her living trust, she was much too devoted to her children for me to ever believe that. It was not getting any of her money or family heirlooms that bothered me. It was the cold and heartless way it was stated in her will; "I acknowledge my two sons and daughter as my legal heirs , and I leave them nothing, all my possessions go to my living trust which then gave everything to my step dad of 2 weeks and my niece who my mom helped raise. Now what I do believe is this>>> My mom was in critical condition with terminal cancer, went in the hospital early December with fluid and blood clots in her lungs, was in I C U for 2 weeks before getting moved into a room and she went home Dec. 24th, 2011 weak and tired. Now while on in home hospice care, taking heavy medications including morphine, and trying to recuperate both from nearly dying as well as chemotherapy and radiation treatments, and while under the watchfull eye of both my niece and my step dad of 2 weeks, she changed her will which had been the same for 25 years up until then, she transferred her home ( worth 1.3 million and owned free and clear) into her living trust, all that was within 30 days of her dying and then on Jan.27th she married her controlling, manipulating, scheming boyfriend and then promptly died on Feb. 14th. Does this not sound fishy to anyone else out there? In fact they not only married but they never told anyone and I wonder why? I seriously doubt that she could even sit upright unaided let alone go out and get married as sick as she was. But she was completely under the control of the two people who lived under the same roof as she did, my niece and my step dad of 2 weeks. I am not hurt by not getting anything, and lord knows that I live well below the poverty level, I am saddened that they could control my mom in such a manner as to basically steal thru fraud,coercion and exerting undue influence. And in so doing that broke the hearts of my sister, my brother and myself by making her words in her newly written will sound as if we did not or never did matter to her. Should you ask anyone that knew my mom they would tell you she lived for her children and this definitely does not sound like her. I would love to find an attorney in Las Vegas, Nv. that would take this case on behave of my siblings and myself on a contingency basis, sadly again none of us can afford $250.-$500. an hour rates. I would think that there are more than enough grounds to appeal, and contest the will and the trust, and with over 1.5 million in her estate I would thing 25%-30% would be good compensation for a litigator who believes in right and wrong, and make no bones about it people my mom would never EVER put her name to something that would in effect make it sound like she disliked, hated or shunned her children like it sounded in her will. Lastly my mother's mother, my grandma who is 97 and going strong bought the house my mom owned together with my mom when they purchased it back in 2000. My grandma put up $353,000 and my mom $300,000 and they paid all cash for the house and my grandparents lived there with my mom till my grandpa passed away 8 years ago, and my grandma deeded the home to my mom and also left my mom in charge of her back account and her living trust which had around $550,000 in it when they moved my grandma into an assisted living facility 6 years ago. Now with all that my grandma did with my mom and all that she intrusted to my mom, My mother left nothing to HER mother in her will or her trust either. Nobody can tell me that my mom would hang her 97 yr. old mother out to dry like that. No people being left out of the will would not bother me if I believed that my mother truly wanted it to be so. But I don't believe that. What I do believe is that two evil people conspired to steal it all and destroy a family in the process. In fact the evil step dad in Las Vegas, NV is George Graziadei, and he is a soulless bastard. If any of you who read this happen to know him then please tell him that his step son Bobby knows the truth and i will bring it crashing down on him if it is the last thing I do. If any one from the Nevada Bar Association happens to read this, then consider this my version of filing a formal complaint against George Graziadei, ESQ., for unethical and fraudulent acts against both my siblings, and my 97 year old grandma. He stole all her money. If any attorney wants to take the case of if any one in the attorneys General office want to pursue charges against this monster, then please feel free to contact me Bob Silvers, at bobsilvers@hotmail.com thank you for listening.
My mother told me, long before she died, that my stepfather, a mean cop, that he wouldn't let us, [four of the first kids that he didn't like because he was jealous of her first husband, our father] have anything that was hers or his. So she gave us something of hers while she was still here. Mine was a one carat diamond ring with a sapphire. I told her where he could put his money, so when that old AH dies, [probably will outlast us, he is in his ninties], so I know if she told him that, where I have to go to find anything he leaves me! lol
My sister-in-law had an uncle who was always mooching off his sister (her mom). When her mom eventually died and the reading of the will was made he was bequeathed only a stack of canceled checks. Upon getting them, he jumped up on the lawyers table and cried "who is going to take care of me now!"
The best thing I can leave my children with are the skills to make it in life on their own.
Ah, greed. Gotta love it. Her grandfather started the empire and passed it on. Instead of taking them out of the will give them jobs within the company and salary. Bonus if bonus is deserved. No free rides. Build and earn. After a lifetime of success working then the empire gets to be passed on to the grandchildren.
Inheritance does not belong to the next generation but to the grand generation. The next generation may have the privilege of helping to build up the empire and draw salary. (user fruit)
BTW, after making so many billions, don't you think it is time to give some of that 'profit' to the people of Australia. It is after all minerals belonging to all of the Australian people and not just your family.
Finally, being able to dictate beyond the grave is very appealing to our narcissistic tendencies as we imagine eternal life.
Divorced 45 yrs ago we had 1 son. 9 yrs later I decided I wanted another child and had a daughter out of wedlock. The son turned out to be a chip off the old block. Drug user, alcoholic, thief. Both my ex and I spent time, lots of money and effort for treatment and therapists and lawyers., with no avail. Son spent half of life in prison. When he got out on parole the first time I had saved up enough money to put him thru a trades school. He returned to prison for stealing to support his habit before he enrolled. His sister I put a boot up her butt to prod her to get good grades and go to college, which I also helped out with since she held down 2 pt time jobs to also pay for college. She got degree and has the skills to get any job she wants to go after. I made a deal with my ex that, as we both had very good paying jobs, I would take care of daughter and he would take care of son in our wills. Over the years I bought and paid off a house and always seemed to have a newer car. The ex always rented, but decided to buy a house 2 yrs ago, drank, did drugs , smoked cigs,and drove a soso truck. He did not put anything in savings because he spent it on his habits. Well ex is now dying of cancer, plugged up heart and cirrosis of liver. Our son knew of the terms of our agreement but after finding out that dad squandered everything now wants to dispute my will and has stated that he will make my and his sisters life miserable and she will not receive anything.
Because the ex was concerned that our son would squander what property he had acquired he named me his executor of estate, the trust fund for his son, have power of attorney, had him go to lawyer to make out will. I also had him include that I would NOT receive anything from this estate. The ex had a turn for the worse and I called son. His new wife found and went over the POA, the trust fund rules and somehow got the ex to throw everything out. Son has gained control of his property and started selling gun collection, tools and equipment and using money for booze and drugs with his wife who is also an addict. Also the $6000.00, ex cashed in his small pension, in safe that was to be used for funeral has mysteriously disappeared. I have filed restraining order against him for harassment, changed phone number. To the outsider who just looks inside without knowing the facts say I am kind of hard on him but I had always kept a line of communication open to son until he started threatening. I sent the other executor of estate, my ex-sisterin-law the legal papers and told her that I couldn't and wouldn't put up with the hassle but also felt I was letting down my ex to protect him. My Will will stay the same, have deeded property and auto over to daughter. Her name is on everything that needed a beneficiary on it so there will not be anything in my name for him to fight over. NOTE If I had this problem with both children I would have donated everything over to the 'Every Women's Place" a non-profit set up for battered, abused women, which 45 yrs ago I was one.
Holy overdeveloped sense of entitlement, Batman! You're no worse off than you were before <randomrelative> kicked the bucket but left you zero zilch nada. Get over yourself and make your own money.
Its not always about the money, you boob. Its about family heirlooms....things that have been passed down for generations...things promised by grandparents to a grandchild for instance, but given to a new family if the surviving grandparent remarries......same thing with a parent.... Of course there is the possibility that there is money involved...and its not a sense of entitlement...its just how things work....unless you have been a horrible child then as a rule you inherit from your parents....isn't that part of the reason we work so hard? To leave our children something when we die?
Get over yourself, Stop the Hypocrisy, you don't know everything and you obviously have a very shallow understanding of what you read.
Bite me, little boy.
...
I would say the majority of the time it is about the money. Families get down right nasty over it.
I have told my kids to expect nothing and hope the last cheque I write bounces.
I have seen perfectly normal, sane families turn into rabid beasts when it comes to family inheritances. The claws come out, and whatever anyone gets, they feel like they didn't get enough. At least these people had a will where they spelled out who gets what. In families where a person dies without a will, it turns into a total free-for-all war, usually ending in legal battles and hurt feelings that will last for decades. "Yeah, when (fill in the blank) died back in 1983, my (relative) tried to take everything for himself and didn't wwant to give anyone else anything! He was the one who took that silverware from (deceased)'s house! He also took (deceased)'s 8-track player and Elvis collection! All I got was a lousy car and a bigscreen TV!"
I have already told my dad that it doesn't matter to me what he does with his money now or in the future; if he wants to blow it on women, cars, or donate it to Green Peace when he dies, I don't care. Just leave us enough to bury you with.
PS...He is leaving everything to his two kids....But my brother learned to build homes in Arizona, mostly by himself. My sisters worked, as did I, and we all have our own.
Yes, it is amazing how many people think they deserve something because of a chance biological relationship. For example the dogsitter, maybe that person got the stuff as a reward for being around when niece and nephew were too busy.
And I've seen the same sense of shameless entitlement in my own relatives, to the point where the husband of a cousin actually told in front of others that it wasn't any of her damn business what was in her father's will.
If you "expect" something just because, you won't find any sympathy from me if you don't get it. And, people OWN their own stuff and can do with it whatever they want to.
Man, that is one butt ugly woman. I can't believe she actually reproduced and had children! My question to her is, are the children as dog ugly as she is? When I first saw her picture I thought she might be some over-the-hill hooker; but that can be possible, not that butt ugly! Then I thought it might be a trans-gender but you would still have to sneak up on it.
Well, if you are a lib, then you think the government is entitled to it!
The fact is that there are as many reasons for the way people leave their assets as there are people who die. It may be about a child who ignores them. It may be that they think a child is better off earning their way (ala Warren Buffet). It may be that someone else is deemed more worthy. The bottom line is that if it is not your money you are not entitled to it! It's that simple. If a parent or other relative dies and leaves you money then be grateful. If not, then you haven't lost anything that was yours. That being said, I've seen a lot of situations where people are smart enough to recognize that older people are appreciative of any attention they receive. If they don't receive it from their family, then they appreciate receiving it from others. And, that may mean that others will receive the inheritance. The unfortunate thing is that these "others" only do kindly with the idea of receiving such "benefits." "Undue influence?" Perhaps, but difficult to stop. Solutions? There aren't many. The fact is that "stuff happens." Eighty nine year old man spends 3 years with 23 year old woman, then what? Should there be a law that says property "must " go somewhere? NO! As they say, life may not be fair, but it is life. That's why lawyers get paid to do what they do! If everyone got along, then the lawyers would be put out of business.
What gets me is the folks who think that their heirs will squander it but don't think of ways to work their preferences into their wills. We plan to leave a family scholarship trust to our children and our nieces & nephews, something that is often done for alma matars (sp? no coffee yet, sorry) or specific circumstances but in our case the recipients have to be our descendents. No money to anyone directly, but if properly managed our descendents (and their descendents, and theirs) of our entire family will be able to afford college without debt. Of course they will have to maintain a certain GPA too, no trust fund college parties here! Details to be worked out and the family heirlooms will be available to the kids, but a lump sum just didn't seem to be a good option to us. Between my husband's family and mine, we have 8 children in our generation and only one was able to get enough scholarships to afford college. 1 sibling gave up and never went to college. The rest of us are paying our way with the military GI bill. I want to give our children (including our nieces and nephews) a better option than simply a choice between massive moans, military, or giving up. This WILL be discussed with our children and, unlike some of the examples given in the article, our kids really will have "reasons known to them".
"...a better option than simply a choice between massive moans..."
Wonderful Freudian slip here.
. My parents divorced and my Mom married a guy who was a clown, yes, he went to clown college,and is a pedophile, my daughters can't go over there to see Grandma with out the perv trying to give them "backrubs" and trying to ge them alone. So they don't go over. He constantly harasses her about making her will because my Dad gave her some beautiful expensive jewelry and some fine art. I do not care about money but it would gall me to no end to see this clown, who is abusive to my Mom, get what my Dad gave her after he worked hard for it. I would rather it go to a charity than that. As for my Dad, he remarried the sweetest woman on the planet and she can have every penny he has.
When my grandparents died and left a big estate my greedy Aunt showed up with a moving truck the day after my grandma died. It was so sad.I have seen it so many times, people are like vultures. My great Aunt left me an old couch and one of my relatives actually got pissed about it. Go figure.
" I want to give our children (including our nieces and nephews) a better option than simply a choice between massive moans, military, or giving up." Ok, I mentioned that I was typing while NOT under the influence of coffee, right? I meant loans, but I'll just chalk it up to being equally accurate. =)
Oh, by the way, the reason we weren't able to get enough scholarships was because of the area we were in. We got several scholarships . . . more than the validictorian in my case! However, while $2000 one time gift is a big deal in Podunct, LoserState, it doesn't get you very far towards a BS in a real university. I worked my butt off for 2 years while in college, ended up overworking myself into the hospital 2x, took what little loans were offered, and finally had to enlist anyways. Now I have 2 degrees but am still paying off the loans I took . . . and yes, moans of pain are what I give when I pay the darn things every month! I DON'T regret it, but I want more options for our next generation, and the next, and the next . . .
Del, one of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me was my college education. What a wonderful thing you are doing for your family!
In Ancient Athens a will could be overturned because of "undue female influence." Nowadays, it could be undue male influence too. In other words, a girlfriend or boyfriend deliberately poisons the parent's mind against the children so that he or she can inherit instead. I hear it happened to Frank Sinatra's children, thanks to his final wife.
Having to deal with my white trash family and remain sane on a daily basis is painful enough. I've already told them I need nothing and leave it to the others.
no kidding. sometimes putting up with the relatives isn't worth any amount of money you may get when they die :)
I was surprised and quite displeased when my dear aunt (who had no children or living siblings) left all of her property to the Catholic church. 100 acres of prime Iowa farmland and two houses. I imagine they must have "guided" her in making her decision.
Still working. Maybe her church family was there more for her than her blood relatives.
Well Deb, for practical purposes, I think my aunt may as well have just flushed her wealth down the toilet. The Catholic church is just a massive black hole that absorbs all that it can. But then, perhaps the church used the money it inherited from my aunt to pay off some of its sexual predator lawsuits. In that case, the money went to someone more deserving than me and my brothers.
It astonishes me that people think they are entitled to others people's assets. The owner/earner of the assets can do whatever they want with their own property, including giving it to a stranger. The only obligation the deceased has is to adequately provide for his/her dependent spouse and any dependent children and that obligation ends when the children become adults.
I bet you would change your tune in a heartbeat if you thought that you were going to be the recipient of a sizeable amount of money only to be snubbed at the end, but...if you think that when children become adults they stop being your children, think again. This is the pervasive cultural more that is evident in our society. Having been raised in Europe and with a foreign borne wife and in laws, this is NOT the case in most other parts of the world. Parents will give their last cent and drop of blood to their children (adult or not). The US seems to be the only country I know of that casts their children to their own fate upon adult hood. It's no wonder we are a country of screwed up people with no family values.
Nope, Chuck. We have simply traded the smotheringly close family ties for freedom of movement and choice. When I was growing up there were many communities where you bought the house next to your parents or lived in the same house with them as my parents did with my maternal grandparents. That and arranged marriages are some of the reasons why people flee those cultures. Like any custom, sometimes one works out sometimes the other.
I'd give my last cent and drop of blood to my children (adult or not) if they grow up to be respectful and reasonably caring within the construct of also being free to live their own lives.
No one owes anyone anything when he/she dies unless there are dependent children.
Abby, I couldn't agree more.
You must be a republican.
In my family, my brother was my parent's executor. Just the two of us. While he did a good job as executor of the money and home sales, etc. and I believe he did split it accurately. I still harbor a grudge. When he asked me what I wanted out of the house, I told him all I wanted was Mom's jewelry box with her costume jewelry (we had already split her expensive jewelry between us). I had bought her earrings, she had a lot of necklaces and other jewelry, but most of it was cheap stuff, like a blue beaded necklace I bought her when I was about 7 years old. She did have a grandchildren's bracelet with gold girls or boys heads with the name and birth date of all the grandchildren which was fairly expensive. But after all the splitting, all of the sales, etc. I asked my brother where the jewelry box was, and he said he had never seen it. His wife had slipped and told me earlier that she had put it away in the back bedroom so no one would confuse it with sales stuff, so it was safe in the back bedroom safe. but my brother insisted that he never saw it. I believe they gave the contents to their own daughters. I have two they have three. but I'll never know. This has caused a whole lot more anger than money would have. I have chosen to let it go. However, it still gripes me to no end.
Chuck - you couldn't be more wrong. Shortly before my mother died, she told me she would be leaving her entire estate to my brother and sister and I would get nothing because they both had children and I did not. As I said, she had every right to do whatever she wanted with her property because IT WAS HER PROPERTY. I was and am still perfectly okay with her decision. I know she loved me and I understand her reasoning that they both had expenses and responsibilities that I did not share.
You are a better person than I unusual. No matter how logical it is and how much I don't need or expect my parents to leave me anything, it would break my heart if the reason I was cut out of a will was because I didn't have children. In addition to how society treats single, childless women, it would feel like I was getting an extra punishment for being a failure w/ men and relationships (I did want a family). It would kill me.
S. It DOES happen a LOT because that's how MANY parents think. Now you know if it happens NOT to take it personally, so you are already ahead.
"Doesn't matter why - it just is. So WHAT do we do about it to protect ourselves."
Dr. Phil explaining WHAT Cognitive Behavior Therapy entails..vs. Psychoanalysis
Man, my sister is gonna be so PO'd when our mom passes on (hopefully not for a long, long time!)
She's getting practically nothing, while I am the executor our moms estate. My sister has treated our mom like crap for her entire 37 years, while I have stuck by her side for everything.
Just thinking about it makes my stomach cramp.
Does anyone do any proof reading?
Principal (adjective or noun) conveys the meaning of "primary" or "chief" - like [as adjective] e.g. the principal aim of a series of tasks,or [as noun] the principal of a school. It is also used as the chief part of a loan (i.e., not the interest), as in apply the extra $50 in this month's mortgage payment toward the principal.
Principle (noun [only!]) is a rule, law or general truth. The principles of mathematics
These words are sources of confusion for even well-versed minds. Some phrases that can help you remember the difference are:
Some writers focus on the distinction that principles can be used in the plural, but principal usually only in the singular form. This strategy, when used as a quick rule, often leads to errors. The plural "principals" is appropriate when writing about several individuals who each have a primary role, whose position of primacy does not conflict with another's similar position. For example,
You understand grammar, but not humility. Don't act paternal.
Cato,
Please explain to Hunter, the difference between "paternal" and 'patronizing".
I can understand the issue of family heirlooms and sentimental items like that.
But when it comes to money, no one, not your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. owe you a dime. It's better to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised if you receive an inheritance. I've seen too many sons and daughters licking their chops to get at their parent's money, it's beyond disgusting. They raised you.... maybe not perfectly but that's all they owe you. Not to mention that some kids don't deserve a dime because they've spent their entire life sponging off of Mom and Dad and complaining that it's not enough.
There may be "reasons", but Trusts are also options. Set up a Trust with contingencies included on how the monies are doled out. It could even be something creative such as proof of some type of community srvice.
Ice said it right.
Expect nothing and [maybe you'll] be pleasantly surprised...
My step-son was so cruel and neglectful to his father, his sister, and me after we paid for him growing up, did his homework with him, took care of him, etc. that we disinherited him. Did we teach him right from wrong? Yes, we did. Were we always there for him when he needed us? Yes we were.
His natural mother was neglectful, lazy, narcissistic, and had a sick Oedipal relationship with him when she wasn't too busy to see him but guess who he pulled out all stops for?
It's not always about parental failure. It can be about personal pathology.
(For example: his father had cancer surgery. Son didn't call to find out results of followup CAT scan. Why? He told his father that he'd injured his finger and was on pain meds. Unfortunately for him, he'd already told me he was playing video games with a friend. Why would I leave him my hard-earned money? Oh and he was already over thirty.)
Sounds like my step brother. When my step dad was dying of pancreatic cancer he never once came out to see his dad. My step dad left him $1000 in his will and I got nothing, which I'm ok with.
My step brother wanted to contend the will. Saying I got too much, I wasn't even on the will. Ignore the fact that my step brother is a complete moron.
I asked him at the funeral why he wasn't there to take care of his dad or why didn't he call him to see how he was doing. He told me it was my job to take care of him.
There are indeed legitimate reasons to leave your kids out of your will and it has nothing to do with getting revenge or anything like that. In my case, my son has never demonstrated any skills with regard to managing personal finances; for me to leave him any substantial amount of money would be akin to leaving a wine cellar to an alcoholic. My daughter has chosen to go her own way and cut me out of her life, so that's okay - she can live her own life and I'll live mine - free to do what I want with my own money.
After my mother died my family stopped all communication with me, so, I already know not to expect a dime when my father dies. And frankly it's kind of liberating that I don't have to put up with his crap anymore on the hope of a payout someday. It's like flipping off an extortionist.
Charles R., it is so nice to be free of family members like that. Who needs that kind of treatment?
Ah nothing on earth has quite the pain of the dead parent reaching from the grave to wound the kid yet another time by cutting her out of the will. Or the pain of the evil, cheating, lying, conniving sibling that runs to the convalescent home or hospital and "helps" the parent change the will at the last minute to cut the sibling(s) out. Shades of Shakespeare.
I know of a girl who told her parents to f off and don't ever call me again. Do you think she will receive anything from her parents? I don't. And the parents didn't do anything wrong towards her. I have a feeling her sisters and brothers might receive something.
I know a girl just like her - but she is my son's wife. I have not seen nor 'heard' from my son since before he was deployed to a 'big kitty box'. The only way I knew he got back was his FB picture changed! He was hurt over there and we found out second-hand. We even had to call the Red Cross to find out how he was doing. It has been over a year now and I still have not heard from him - he lives three hours away. His 'wife' did not grow up in loving home like my son did and she is REALLY jealous of that. And to beat it all (naturally) there is a sweet replica of my son that I have not seen for about as long. I only hope he realizes what he has lost soonest - his brother and sister. Mom and dad ain't really proud of him at the moment. Do you think he'll be 'angry' when he hears the latest will - you bet he will! And wifey probably will blame us again!
Texas grace......................Been there, done that. Only no wife, just my son. Make sure you put $5.00 in the will to go to them so that they don't start contesting the will This way the lawyers know you haven't forgotten them.
Do what's right and what you know in your heart to be right. Family can sometimes break your heart. Prayers coming your way for you.
Texas Grace. Remember, you don't have to beat up on yourself. In most cases, the blame is not always entirely yours. It's sad; but, but put it behind you, and move on with your life.
The main thing is to get toxic people out of your life, regardless of who they may be, so that you can enjoy some measure of peace and contentment in whatever life you have left on this earth. You deserve it.
My late uncle left a portion of his estate to his adopted daughter Kathy (from his wife's first marriage). Turns out she was never legally adopted but the lawyers said that fighting it would be a waste of money. She was far older than I was but there was apparently some bad blood. When grandma died she mentioned Kathy in her will...."and to my supposed adopted granddaughter Kathy...I leave nothing."
GarthBock - maybe your uncle felt like she was a daughter. Blood is not always thicker than water.
Maybe it's time for some new Hate Laws.Stoping people from abusing from the grave.
That is what we need, another darn "Law" on the books.
My siblings and i have already told our parents to just enjoy whatever money they have just dont leave us any major medical bills. I'd rather have something sentamental like pics especially from my childhood.
Marc - Any bill it their names will not be passed on to you; however, their assets can be sold to cover the bills - if no money is left then you will own nothing as long as you are not a co-signer or a guarenteer.
Check your state laws. some states do not make the relatives responsible for bills. They (the bills) may be paid from the estate, but not take any money from you pocket.
I have lived long enough to know that when a family member dies, those left behind become very greedy.Do not understand it, but that is usually true.
Used to retail antiques and collectables and attended many estate auctions. There was nothing more amusing than watching two relatives battle it out to obtain a family possesion at many times market value. Yep, greed has many faces.
Way i see it if u make the money its your's to dish out to whom u want to. I think a spouse should b first to get money especially if they r a stay at home parent because they depend on money to care for kids or because they need money for other things especially when older. I know legally in NJ we r a 50/50 state if u get divorced so way i see it spouse should get atleast half of money unless u want to leave it all to wife/husband.
I am probate/wills/trust attorney. I tell people that if they are leaving stuff to their children, to leave it in equal portions to all the children. That lessens the chance for a will contest and really, as a parent, do you want to leave a legacy of hurt and hatred among your children? I had one client that wanted her will drafted so that her children would fight. and sue each other. She hated her children. I told her to find another attorney.
My parents essentially did the same thing. Equal trust funds were set up for each of us and we each had the opportunity to ID anything of sentimental value to keep. It was also stipulated that whoever gave them anything we had first choice to it upon their death.
I agree with you Nancy, my will is equal shares for all. There is no reason to make one resentful of the others. If I have a disagreement with one it's my problem and shouldn't reflect on the others after I'm gone.
Also, I think the best estate plan is that you spend your last dime as you take your last breath.
That's not hard to do, it's all about timing.
If you stood to inherit several million, after a life of destitution, you might think different. "I just want the old family photos." Yeah, right. Say that after your sister got $2 million and you got squat.
I understand that in Mom & Dad's Will at the VERY LEAST...I shall be getting a Cardboard Box or a Tent
since they want me to have SOME FORM OF SHELTER when they finally shuffle off this mortal coil.
I can thoroughly assure them that I WILL DEFINITELY BE ASKING for said Cardboard Box and/or tent
from the lawyer...It shall be a GLORIOUS box...big and sturdy enough to hold all the worldly
possessions I have...ESPECIALLY my beloved collection of rocks! I shall utterly enjoy
my new cardboard digs, which from what I understand is considerably LARGER than
the humble abode in which I now live.
Anyways...ya can't take it with you!...FOR MY OWN LEGACY, my modest sum shall be bequeathed
in a contest which outlines with ABSOLUTE SPECIFICITY that the randomly chosen recipient(s)
shall drink a shot of whiskey or rum a day, smoke a 25 dollar cigar a day, eat out EVERY
SINGLE DAY in a DIFFERENT RESTAURANT for breakfast, lunch and dinner (never twice in the
same place!) and generally be asked to loaf about for AN ENTIRE YEAR at my expense before
receiving a single DIME...THEN AFTERWARDS...in order to receive the big bonus, said recipients
will be Forced (?) to dress for 3 whole months in nothing but Star Trek uniforms EVERY DAY AND
ONLY THEN will they be bequeathed riches enough to tide them over for many a decade!!!!
If i'm giving anything away...I'm gonna make sure I have some fun watching
from above (or from below whichever the case may be!)...I'll make my will
LEGALLY BINDING, UNCRACKABLE and funny as I so desire.
As Douglas Adams (Author of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy) once said....
SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH!!!!
Can I be a relative that sounds like fun. I have my own Star Trek uniform already.
I agree with 'my 2 cents worth!' - I could make a uniform. And hey who knows - you might get a good laugh!
I would want my money to be used to have an especially good blow out wake for me. Oh and an Open Bar with food for all. Entry Fee would be a really good story - funny preferably - about me and family.
I disinherited my abusive adoptive mother and my sister who covered up the abuse for the monies and attention she got in return. I've never regretted it. I asked her to leave me out of her will and give it all to my sister for putting up with fifty years of abuse from her, which she did before she died eleven years ago. How could I have accepted blood money from someone who sexually abused me as a toddler and beat me for seventeen years to keep me from telling?
I'm free. She's dead. Life is wonderful.
It´s good to hear, John. There is no better feeling than beign free. Good Luck to you :)
There's no revenge like living a good life. :-)
Good for you john!
When we decided to move to a much smaller home a number of years ago, we decided that we would give all of our adult children and the grandchildren their inheritances early. Everyone got items of sentimental value and more, including some very expensive items. We gave them all the items that they wanted. We actually did this to prevent any arguments over who got what after we died.
Also, during their early years as adults while living with us and even after moving away from home we helped them out financially whenever they needed it. We helped with down payments on homes, cars, etc. We helped pay off debts when they had hard times. Thankfully, they are now all doing quite well financially. In fact, they are doing considerably much better than we are as we were perhaps too generous to them.
Interestingly, now no longer hear from them except on birthdays and Christmas, if we're lucky.
When the calls and cards dwindled to twice a year (if that) my husband and I had an long discussion and after consulting an attorney we decided that what little we have left, which isn't much in property or money, will go to charity.
When we are both deceased the children and grandchildren may wonder why they didn't get the left over meager possessions and such we now have, but they disinherited themselves when they distanced themselves from us after getting what they wanted.
While it seems hurtful, sometimes adult children need to face reality and realize that their parents don't OWE them an inheritance.
Do they live close by? Are they all working full time with children or retired? Sometimes life really does get in the way. Why aren't you calling them?
Don't get me wrong, I call my stepdad (mom has alzheimers) all the time, but don't think that you are not in their thoughts and hearts.
What does that have to do with anything? After a while one gets tired of calling and getting very little, if any response. One gets tired of sending gifts with not even so much as a thank you. One gets tired of being ignored. Life should NEVER get in the way...........that is a lame excuse.
You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your relatives.
Optomyst, oh come on, some people have lots of time on their hands, while others are overburdened. They do hear from the kids on birthdays and Christmas. Do they ever offer to visit and help out?
And I might add that between school, work, doctor visits, dinner prep, housework, kid's activities... who has more opportunity? My parents and in laws hate making a 40 minute drive to our house, so it's limited to phone calls and email.
I love my parents. The fact that when I drive into their town for an errand doesn't mean I always have the time to stop in.
You make time for what is important to you. These kids have no excuse IMHO. From what was written they were treated well growing up and given a good start on life and they can't make time to visit or make contact more often? Give me a break! The problem with many in this society is that they are entirely self-centered and think life is all about them, well sometimes it is about doing for others as well.