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Working moms multitask about 10 hours a week more than working dads, a new study finds. When women multitask, it often centers on taking care of the kids and doing housework, while men are more likely to multitask by socializing and doing self-care.
It's 7 p.m. You're e-mailing your boss, doing the dinner dishes, checking your 10-year-old's homework, and trying to calm your angry 3-year-old, who is screaming like a howler monkey. You'd like to scream, too. At your husband, who thinks everything is just fine.
According to a new study published in the December issue of the journal American Sociological Review, working moms not only multitask more frequently than working dads but also experience more negative emotions.
“The mother-nurture-care concept is part of our social unit,” says co-author and sociologist Barbara Schneider of Michigan State University. “That’s not a bad thing, but the pressures of everyday life have made it very difficult.”
The study participants were part of the 500 Family Study, which collected data from 1999 to 2000 in eight urban and suburban communities to find out how middle-class families balance family and work obligations.
The researchers found that working moms spend 48.3 hours per week, or about 40 percent of their waking hours, doing the multitask shuffle, compared to dads, who spend 38.9 per week doing two or more things at once.
Moms are more likely to get stuck with labor-intensive housework or childcare activities, while dads generally multitask by talking to several people at once or performing self-care. Dads are also more involved in kids' recreational activities.
While multitasking is generally a positive experience for dads, moms feel stressed and conflicted when they multitask at home as well as in public places, mostly due to the type of activities performed, which could leave them open to scrutiny and judgment.
To help ease the strain, the authors suggest sharing the load by getting dad more involved in the mundane aspects of home and child care.
“Simply doing things together as a family in the context of the home can go a long way,” says Schneider.
Although the study did not look at the current situation of these families, there’s no reason to think things have improved, says University of Notre Dame sociologist Elizabeth Aura McClintock. For example, among dual-income married couples working 35 or more hours a week, men's median weekly housework hours increased in the 1970s to about 5 hours per week, but have not changed much since then.
Today’s economic climate is also likely taking a toll.
“Families are stressed,” says Schneider. “With resources it was tough; imagine what it’s like now when there are probably fewer resources due to layoffs and rising expenses.”
Moms, how do you juggle everything? Tell us on Facebook.
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What's with all this whining? I work 40hrs a week, until my fingers are bleeding. I come home and clean, occasionally cook, dishes, help kids with homework, take them to karate, or school activities, girl scouts, shopping, and any basic utility work around the house. All week, every week. I do these things because I have to do them, and any grousing I do, is usually in playful manner.
Really? How about looking at what we men have to do, instead of focusing on yourselves.
You realize no one knows you're a man until your final sentence.
Maybe you only grouse in a "playful manner," but I sincerely doubt that is how it actually comes across to others given the level of bitterness evident in this post. Some people are simply not aware of how they come across to others.
My wife and I had this conversation often. Our kids are grown now but when they were little, and after a couple of bad daycare incidents, we made the decision that someone needed to be the nurturer and provide a clean, safe, and responsible household for the family and the wage earner.
My wife made more money than me. She lucked out and got a job where the employer paid for her to finish her degree and also get a CPA. Knowing her immediate future had more financial potential, we agreed that I would be the house keeper and nanny.
We lowered our expenses and I moved into a support role for her. I had her coffee brewed every morning, made her lunch and had dinner on the table every night when she got home. I did all the housework as it is not fair to ask someone that just commuted two hours round trip and worked a 9 hour day to come home and start lugging laundry.
When I had time, I freelanced artwork to silkscreen shops and offset printers. This worked out extremely well as my wife did not have to worry about domestic problems at all. She could concentrate on her career and now makes well over 100,000 a year.
We understood something that the media has pounded out of families over the last 30 years. Behind every successful person is a person supporting them. Taking the mundane out of their lives so they can soar in their chosen career. Believing that the house MUST have two incomes and that if both parents aren't working they must be lazy or irresponsible is pure propaganda designed to weaken the family unit.
The fact is, the best way has always been to have one spouse at home providing a secure home base and support for the major wage earner and the children. It does not need to be the woman, a man can do it just as well, but I honestly think women are better at it. The women's movement was vital and needed, but it destroyed that home base and has made it much more difficult for families to thrive.
I know the main excuse is income level. I hear all the time that both parents MUST work in order to get by. But, that is never really true. What they are really saying is, "I will sacrifice my families emotional health for a new android phone." Or, "my new car is more important than the happiness and security of my family."
@ jim-350736..BRAVO! I wish more people, regardless of their perceived view of the world or gender, got with the program. Our whole country is screwed without the family and what you detailed. I am a single working parent who takes care of all of the needs (100% - no mother) of my children as best as I can. I wish the mother of my children had understood what you said. I did talk to her about it. I was still expected to work and come home and take care of the kids so she could have her time. She didn't have to work either while the kids were at school. Nice gig if you can get it. It is one of the reasons we are divorced. I understood the womans' movement but it did destroy the family for selfish reasons. If a person is not suppose to be judged based on gender or color then why are privledges/benefits/advantages derived from it? Seems hypocritical and it is why the family has been destroyed.
These days I just run from 6 AM to midnight and work. I do everything for my children because they are the more important than anything else in the world! I protect, clean, cook, do the laundry, provide, nurture, educate, set the example, and feed my family. As my teenage daughter would put it, haters can hate, as I am sure some low lifes will make stupid comments, but I wouldn't change a thing!
jim, you are sooooo right! if only we single parents had someone who would take care of the mundane stuff so we could soar in our careers. *sigh* yes, i'm jealous.
You mean "I work until my fingers bleed" whining wasn't your first clue that the blogger was a man? Malfean,
unlesseven if you're a single parent, pull up your big girl panties and suck it up...just like the rest of us.Of course working moms multitask more than dads. We always have. We always will. The dad who does more than the mom is a rarity. This whole article is "duh". As it was decades ago.
I find it interesting that the scholar, Ms. Schneider of Michigan State University, took 11 years to put out the results of her study. Apparently she can't mulit-task too well herself, and she's probably wining about how tough her life is. Eleven years to post her results. probably watching a lot of reality tv and eating Bon-bons if it took her this long. Some multi-tasking. Just another sociologist who wants to complain and re-socialize the planet because she thinks the world is unfair.
What's your definition of "occasionally"? If you both work full time then it should mean you do half, she does half
Malfean, you are such a liar!.... Your fingers don't bleed every day.
NotPolitical,
I find it interesting also that this scholar, Ms. Schneider of Michigan State University, took 11 years to put out the results of her study. That means her "DATA" is 11 years OUT OF DATE to start with. Her results thus show what was the case 11 years or more ago, NOT what they are today. So this "Research Study" is less than useless, but MSNBC will Trumpet it, and spin it, because it supports the political/social agenda/philosophy.
Notice that even over a decade ago the difference for men and womyn was about ONE hour per week. Ms. Schneider and Ms. Raymond display their biased by stereo-typing "men's" multitasking in as "selfish" i.e. socializing or self-care, while womyn's was "Labor intensive house-work, child-care, etc."
No they didn't have an "ax to grind" did they??
working moms overburdened?
Then stop picking douchebags to be the fathers of your kids!! Or stop thinking you can do everything without asking your man for help!
@what_the_81
um, stop raising douchebags..?!?
I absolutley agree with Jim. My husband and I both have a college degrees however he was able to make twice my income . When we had children we jointly decided I would stay home ( periodically I do consulting work) No new cars, clothes or jewelry. We did buy a plain middle class four bedroom home in a decent neighborhood. My husband works hard all day and then comes home and jumps right in to share the work load ( God I love this man!)
As our kids have grown I have seen a HUGE difference between them and their peers. My children have self-control, manners and went to kindergarten reading, Our children go to school with other children whose parents are both doctors that work long hours. These kids are angry, out of control with no manners! Its not the poor babies faults--they want a family they want structure and guidelines. Parents really need to evaluate what is important, both parents are needed desperately at home.
Wow! You're one of the good ones. It's really wonderful when a husband and wife have a sense of building a life together. Sounds like that might be the case with you and your wife. God bless. In calling women "whiny," though, you're being harsh out of ignorance. Not every woman is as fortunate as your wife. Of course, a husband and wife are going to have different experiences, different challenges to meet, different circumstances to work around. It would be nice to touch on those differences without rancor. A husband and wife who can have the opportunity to know one another better, provide more and better encouragement and comfort to one another, spell one another, pinch hit, back each other up, and...well, all kinds of good stuff. Then there's my ex- with whom I had well-founded expectations of being reconciled. He suddenly paired up in a permanent way with another woman and delivered the zinger to me: "You run around too much." That pretty well sums up my marriage. (Who's the whiny one in that scenario? LOL) No, not everyone's as lucky as you and your wife.
Must have been a woman that wrote this article. I am a Dad and do all of the cooking, cleaning the dishes, I do all of the shopping, have a full time job, take care of the kids most of the time, including bathing and dressing. Just because your husband is a loser doesn't make all Dads a looser. Stop your whining.
You are one in a million. Not everyone is like you. The writer never said ALL dads are losers, but most are.
Just because you aren't a "looser" by your self-evaluation does not mean other men aren't. I just love when guys like you get on these sites and imply "I'm a saint, so all women are just b@#$%s for ever complaining about any man." Maybe you are as good as you say. Good for you and good for your wife. But study after study after study has shown that you are in the minority when it comes to men in this country. I'm sorry that you are offended by being lumped in with the majority of your sex, but it is them you need to give a swift kick in the arse to, not women as a whole.
The mothers are the losers for picking inept man and trying to have it all. If you can't afford to stay home with your kids, or if you don't even want to, shame on you! Don't have kids then. Only Hollywood moms can have it all because they have the means and flexiblity to have a lot of help.
Agreed! I do 90% of the cooking, 90% of cleaning and washing dishes and baby bottles by hand (we have two babies). I do 100% of grocery shopping and taking clothes to laundry and errands outside the house (because wife doesnt drive) I even do about 15% of diaper changes and 30-40% of feedings... I work 45 hours a week (as does wife) So WTF, JOAN?!?! Sharing sounds GREAT, cause I can use a BREAK! I wish I could spend more time with the kids, instead of coming home from one job and feeling like Im at my second job. But I do these things, WHY? Cause if I dont go to BJs there isnt a diaper to put on the kids, if I dont wash bottles, then there isnt a clean bottle to fee the baby...
So stop whining to your laptop "Ms.Carrie Bradshaw CLONE" and pick up a kid.
And oh, yeah.. Dean's right.. sounds like you married a loser!
saddened-1829725 -- It is becoming more abundantly clear that most all women ARE a bunch of b@#$%s.
Most women like to pat themselves on the back way too often, always bragging about how good "mommies" they are, multi-taskers, providers, always right, always sacrificing, blah blah blah blah. If thats what it takes for you to sleep at night, then go at it... that BS wears thin pretty quick and no body really cares... do your job and stop b!tchin about it!
Actually, most studies show that men THINK they do a lot more around the house to "help" than they really do.
Android - I guess your story's the exact same as the article mentioned, just sexes reversed. I could be snarky and say "you must have married a loser too" or "now you know what it feels like to be most of the women surveyed in the study," but I'll refrain....
guest-1, I'm not really sure how you come to the conclusion that MOST dads are losers. Seems to me that the only result of any study done, is that women view themselves as martyrs, and are quite vocal in trying to convince the world to treat them as such. We wanted equal opportunities as men; well sisters, you got them. I don't recall men demanding equal diaper-changing duties; women demanded it of them. Now, if you can't handle the results of what you demanded, then pick one or the other....work or stay home with the children you gave birth to.
In most of the homes I've vistied, 90% of the time, it's the man doing the cooking, cleaning and substantial child-rearing. Which is a lot of responsibility. Either the author of this article has a thing for male douchebags or she doesn't live in reality.
(I say she, because only a woman writes articles like these, of how all guys have it easy, but not women)
Furthermore, I'm getting fed up with the media giving men a bad name. Even in most tv commercials the man is shown as immature, insensitive and selfish. While the woman is usually the one with answers and pretty much has to treat him like a child. I say enough of BS like this!!!
DB1225...
No; My wife put HERSELF thru college AND law school at night while working full time as a paralegal. She regularly brings home work which she does after she changes, feeds, bathes and plays with the kids. She puts them to sleep and wakes up when they awake in the middle of the night about 90% of the time. Shes the first one to get up to prepare diaper bags for the day and the last one to go to bed at night.
No, she's definitely NOT a loser...
Look, raising kids is difficult.. ITS THE HARDEST F$*#*N thing Ive ever done. Our 18 month old was planned, our 7 month old wasnt. Somedays she does more; some days I do more. There are things she cant do (like driving for groceries) and there are things I cant do (like BREASTFEED or youngest) This week I was sick so she picked up some of the slack... Its just what you do in a family. You cant think "well, I did MY 50% so Im not doing anymore" cause then the children suffer.
But to read articles like this where the author puts things on a scale and complains about how much she does.. it belittles all male contributions.
Do you hear guys complaining about how women dont take out the garbage? Or fix the thermostat (replace, actually) when it broke? Or fix the plumbing under the kitchen sink when it was leaking? Or fix the WiFi in the house when it went out? NO.
I WISH.. I WISH... I had more time to spend with the kids.
There just aren't enough good men around for all of those fantastic women.
These articles, just like primetime TV, attract women with media that depicts women in superior positions, because, well, women are just so much smarter as a group. Men, on the other hand, are not attracted by articles that show women as lower beings.
Women love a good pity party. That is why Oprah and Dr Phil are so popular. Parents with two incomes and using almost every bit of for what? Materialpossessions and a chance to drop kids off at daycare, school and/or sitters. Oh Yeah, get everything little Johnny or Lucy desires because they deserve the best...material possessions. The kids manage to wiggle in and out of some sort of contact/interaction with their parents but that is usaually left over energy or the resentment influence of the parent feels for their partner.
I agree! Thank you for your wise comments.
Some material things are needed, wether you want to admit it or not.
My Mom stayed home and it killed her, she needed so be out and about. Plus we could have seriously used the income. My dad worked to the bone to make money but cuts were being made. He did the best he could, I don't blame him at all.
Sometimes parents really DO have to work and put people in daycare and everything. It's not always xboxes and PS3's or what not. Sometimes it's food and cloths.
RCD - I wish I would have seen your comment before I posted above (#2.9)...I would have put it down here instead!
Don't confuse the issue I am addressing. I am not referring to those that must work just to survive. I live and have lived in Suburbia all my life and it is pathetic. There are social circles of constant whiners about their husbands (and some wives) and how they don't help enough...... The competition of who has what and the ridicule to kids who do not fare as well. Yet when these couple divorce, neither one of them can afford to support their material possessions alone.
I have always helped around the house, especially with laundry, and other chores. But my wife complains because I do not complete the chore to her satisfaction and I tell her ot piss off. If I am going to do a chore I will do it the way I want to the degree that satisfies me. That turns into the social circle chatter" of he does not help enough around the house. You just can't win.
I can't feel sorry for these working mothers. In fact, it's their children I feel sorry. No one can "have it all" and those who think they can are kidding themselves. Something has to give and the kids suffer. Working mothers are selfish. I am so thankful my mother was a stay at home mother. Today a stay at home mother is a dirty word. As a woman myself, who chose not to have children because I couldn't afford to stay home with them, I ashamed of these women!
My mother was a working mother -- and a fantastic, supportive and strong mother. I am grateful that I got to know her as she wanted to be. I would not have wanted to be the reason she had to stay home, confined to the house and kitchen, never fulfilled as a whole human being, defined simply as a walking uterus and glorified babysitter. For those women who choose that life (and can afford to do it), that's is a valid choice. To impose it on every woman is akin to slavery -- and if you are not careful, it can be economic slavery, too, with no income of one's own. No, no one can "have it all" and there are choices to be made -- but being a brood mare or contribute your talents and intelligence to the wider community with a career outside the home should not and does not have to be one of them. My parents are still together after 40 years and my father was an active parent, too. Together, they made it work and raised three happy, well adjusted and successful children. I'm sorry for you that you feel your only choice is to eschew having children if you want to do anything else. I would say I am ashamed of your lack of creativity, skills and motivation, but I wouldn't want to judge someone I don't even know (sarcasm intended, folks). I will say, given your attitude, that it is probably a good thing you choose not to have children -- which is an equally valid choice, and I mean that last part with all sincereity. But according to your logic, in an ideal world, I should never have been born, nor should my siblings. I do not regret for a second that I was born to a working mother and I am grateful that she made her choices and not yours.
working mothers are not selfish, They are providing for their children!! You don't know their story so who the hell are you to judge? for all you know that single mother down the street was raped and chose to not have an abortion and keep the child. So you're saying she is selfish for being a good mother and working to raise her child.
Besides that staying at home with a child can be a stressful experience too. I have worked full time since I was 15 years old and I am now a stay at home mother to my amazing son. I love being here with him but there are times that it would be nice to get some time alone. That doesn't make me selfish that makes me human. So why don't you take your negativity somewhere else!!
If your mother worked full-time I am highly doubtful how great a mother she was. I'm sure you didn't have healthy home cooked meals every night like I did. Everyone has roles in life, like it or not. If a woman doesn't want to stay home with her kids, then why have them? Motherhood is not a dirty word, but is a choice which should be made with a lot of thought. Mothers today stink in my opinion and I know a lot of them.
Modern mothers are not trying to "have it all". They are not in glamorous, high-paying jobs or careers. Most would love to be the ones raising their children rather than day-cares - but with the flat-line incomes of their husbands for the last 30 years - working mothers are helping keep the roofs over their heads and the food on the table.
Time to get rid of the working-mother cliche of "wanting it all".
That is such BS. If your job isn't "high paying" than you probably can barely cover the cost of day care with your income. Therefore, how can you even be coming out ahead financially? Stop with the excuses please. Just admit you'd rather work and have a brand new SUV then stay home with your kids.
nps: Both of my parents worked full time when I was growing up. Guess what - I had healthy home cooked meals every single night that my mother made. Both of my parents were and are great parents. I've always had a close relationship with both of them. They were involved in my education all the way through high school. They were present at every school activity I ever had; I was never neglected in any way.
I am a single mother (after my divorce) and am in medical school - before school, I was a working mother, when I'm done with school, I will be a working mother. Guess what - my kids get healthy home cooked meals every night. They also get healthy breakfasts everyday. They get a healthy, packed lunch every day. I go to all of their parent teacher conferences. I know where they are at all times. I have a great relationship with my boys - they know I'm their mom, not their friend; yet they also feel comfortable talking to me about things. They are respectful boys who behave well. I spend time with my boys every day - I study after they go to bed.
Being a working mother doesn't automatically make one a bad mother. Being a mother, whether a working mother or a stay at home mother, takes a lot of work. What makes one a good mother is if they are willing to do the work to be a good mother. It can and is done by working moms and stay at home moms everyday all over this country.
nps-2941119, I hope that you are just posting comments to get a rise out of people because you have no idea how ignorant you are coming off. I feel sorry for you. Obviously having a stay at home mother did nothing to make you a better person. You are so judgmental of others and their choices. I have been both a stay at home and working mother. They both have their advantages and disadvantages. One thing that has always been consistent is that my children have always been secure in their relationship with me and in themselves. I have always managed to cook a healthy, nutritious meal, I am always there to help with homework, and I am always there to tuck them in at night. I make it a priority to attend all of their school functions, which, by the way, many stay at home moms don't even attend. Whether the mom works outside the home or not is irrelevant, as long as the children are always the priority. What kind of a role model would I be for my daughters if I didn't have ambitions for myself as well? You have also clearly steered the conversation away from the real issue: inequality between men and women. I'm sure this is just as true for women who work at home as it is for women who work outside the home. Your argument is simple: if women were to stay home, then this would not be a problem. Let me tell you from personal experience, it is a bigger problem when women stay home because then they feel like they never get a break. Make your mom proud and think before you write. She obviously gave up a lot for you, don't cheapen her sacrifice by making it look like she raised an insensitive, ignorant, hateful fool.
With all due respect I think you are so full of s hit! Bye - leaving this site now.
Maybe the problem is that this task would be too difficult for you. And you reason that because you couldn't do it, then nobody else can, so you don't believe it when somebody does. It happens everyday and millions of women are doing it right now. Open your eyes and look beyond the select few you are choosing to look at. It is possible. The world is a big place full of amazing people.
I'm sorry, but in a sense, what he says is correct. Someone needs to take the responsibility of the family seriously and stay at home. It doesn't have to be the woman. A man can do it just as well, but he must be a man that understands how to nurture. Most women are just naturally better at that.
If your income is so low that both must work, I would bet that one of those incomes is wasted on daycare, extra errands and running back and forth, and eating unhealthy take out more often to save time.
That was our experience anyway.
Think about which spouse has the most earnings potential. Then support them to make it grow. Work as a team. That is how it has always been done.
...and I'll bet a lot of you guys wonder why you're still single....things that make ya go hmmmmmm.....
Uh NPS, you are totally out of line. i work full time, support my family AND i cook homemade, healthy meals every single night i come home. we rarely go out to eat, maybe once a month. i make her healthy snacks to put in teh fridge so her father, who stays home with her all day, can have healthy choices. I work becuase i have a good income. we made the decision that in order to keep our head above water, i would work and he would stay home. it works for us. i do multitaks, constantly, i do the laundry, grocery shopping during my lunch hour and we raise our daughter as a family. I think your comment about a working mother not being a good mother or cooking homecooked meals, is a joke. and what is "fatherhood" the same as "motherhood" it is being a great parent to your children. I think you are full of crap and like one poster said, just on here to get a rise out of people, including myself. also, if your mother was a full time mom, she sure didn't raise you very well now did she?
NPS, If your mom was fulfilled by watching daytime TV, eating bonbons and reheating Chef Boyardee, then good for her. But for the rest of us, we either have to work, or prefer to work. Many of us are capable of living fulfilling lives, and raise healthy, productive children. All without saying "I don't know, Ward. Ask Beaver", or dressing like Peg Bundy.
Everyone would like to live in Utopia. But we don't. This ancient study simply shows the inequality in mom/dad domestic duties. But yes, we do tend to expect too much from ourselves. Instead of concentrating on what we have to do, we should take pride in what we do...running circles around others.
I suspect nps has some serious OCD or is incredibly misogynistic. TEN inflamatory comments from this single article by one defensive angry man. WoW.
The gentleman doth protest to much, methinks.
saddened - A woman who doesn't work outside the home is not fulfilled? That is the biggest load of crap around and i bought into it for the longest time. I used to think that to be fulfilled i had to have this big career. Having kids and especially staying home to take care of them was for losers. I had more important things to do . THen my clock so to speak was running out and thankfully i woke up and went on to have 2 beautiful children. And i stay home to take care of them and am very fulfilled. Being at some stupid job with some stupid boss breathing down your neck all day is not most people's idea of fulfillment.
@Jim350736--huh, I stayed home and only worked a night job to accomodate my husband, put off my career and didn't start to work until my kid was in kindergarten. I was a great wife and mother and how did he repay me? By blowing his brains out when my kid was 8. So, I did the right thing but it was HIM who couldn't handle it. Now everything is on me. EVERYTHING...without the help of his family or anyone else. I have a career, a kid, my house, my life and my sig other and it's a constant balancing act that is stressful beyond stressful. If I'm not dead by the time I'm 50 I'll be SHOCKED due to the issues brought on by stress. I'm not the only one out there either.
Did you just blame your kid for your husband's suicide?
rhcrest,
Some women are fulfilled by being stay-at-home moms, and others aren't. I have no problem with those who are fulfilled by staying home, but it was not for me personally. I love being a mother, but I would not feel fulfilled without my career.
We're all individuals here, and we all have the right to decide what works best for us and our families, without interference from those not involved. What works for one person/family may not work for everyone. There's no reason to be so judgmental of each other. Live and let live.
I figured the writer was a woman. Many women have control issues in the home. Regardless of what they do outside the home, they lay claim to certain areas of the home as THEIR domain, and as such, these areas are under their supervision. Many women also have different tolerances for situations than many men. Perhaps a guy who has worked all day has no problem with some dishes left in the kitchen sink at bedtime, but the woman insists she cannot sleep knowing the kitchen is undone. So now, instead of letting the guy handle it on his schedule, she takes over and does it herself. And yes, she's angry and resentful about it, since she has other things THAT ABSOLUTELY MUST BE DONE THAT NIGHT.
Look ladies, ease up. The days are too short. We're working longer hours for less pay these days, just trying to hold onto our jobs. No one can spend all of their wake hours working, first at work, then at home. Folks need downtime. When women stop trying to be master of all, their frustration will fall. Suggest an equal distribution of home chores for the family and set a schedule for it. Let other family members wash their own clothes.
Mike, you just described my husband in your first paragraph, and he is resentful if I don't get things done on his schedule. Intransigence goes both ways. As for your second statement -- women have always worked long hours for less pay (no pay, if she stays home to spend her days cooking, cleaning and raising your children). If you have a stay-at-home wife, she never gets a break. She can't leave the office behind because she lives there and there is always something needing done. If your wife works outside the home, she can maybe leave one job behind, but, again, there's all kinds of stuff waiting at home. Equal distribution of chores is a great idea. Go for it. Maybe your wife can get some of that precious downtime, too. But I'm not sure how it will work out if you do not want to do work when you get home from the office.
Saddened, the thing about these articles is that they imply men are having a ball at the expense of women. That men don't work as hard or struggle throughout their day as women do. They help strengthen stereotypes of men being inept around the home and children. I'm drawn to these articles because I have been divorced, and I have had to fight these stereotypes in order to maintain meaningful parenting time with my children. As articles like these succeed in creating a false image of women as SuperMom and men as DumbDad, men have a harder time having their rights respected.
No one knows what goes on in these homes. Perhaps mom is pissed that she's washing dishes, but she doesn't volunteer that Dad is taking out the heavy garbage, climbing up ladders to repair things in and out of the house, mowing and raking the lawn, or shoveling snow from the driveways and walkways, trimming hedges, etc. Even in homes where tasks fall into stereotypical patterns, men can also claim how they have an unfair burden of certain household chores. Things they must do themselves because calling a contractor is not in the budget. Women present themselves as so strong, until there is a chore that THEY don't want to do, so they claim those are a man's responsibilities. The unfairness goes both ways.
I give you ladies all the credit you deserve. You folks are magnificent, and as our partners, there are so many things we might not be able to accomplish on our own. That said, it's tiring to hear all this gender promotion as if men are not carrying their weight. And as for the house wife who cannot get a break, I disagree. If my theoretical housewife asked me to watch the children 3 nights a week so that she could spend some downtime with her girlfriends out on the town, I would have no problem agreeing to that, and I don't think I'm anyone special, so I think many other husbands would too.
I don't agree with that. I don't think men are having a ball at the expense of women. Sometimes I think the problem is that women don't ask for help when they need it. I know that my mom, who has always worked, use to get irritated that my dad seemed "oblivious" about things - but, she never said anything. He's not a mind reader, and everyone has a different level of the way they will accept things. My mom, for example, is slightly OCD about having a clean house; my dad doesn't mind the house to be a bit lived in. Sure, he doesn't want it filthy, but he can let something slide for a bit. My mom would get overwhelmed, then irritated that my dad didn't know she was overwhelmed. He wasn't having a ball - he was simply living.
My mom finally figured this out when I was in middle school. Lo and behold, when she would speak up and ask my dad to do something, he would do it. He didn't mind helping her out - he just didn't know she needed/wanted the help. He also said that he would like help taking care of the yard - to this day, they both split things more evenly and ask each other for help when they need it. My mom found that she loves working in the yard (she has planned out and implemented the landscaping of their yard that has been features in Better Homes & Gardens).
My point is - I don't think men are having a ball at the expense of women. They are simply living their lives as they are comfortable with. If a wife, mother, woman needs more help then she should speak up. Men are NOT mind readers. We women tend to expect men to pick up on our unspoken body language that, to be honest, may be like a foreign language to some men. Just as we don't always get mens body language.
Often I think these studies illustrate the fact that men and women aren't communicating with each other very well. If we would communicate effectively, these differences would often times become more level. At the very least, we (whether man or woman) wouldn't feel upset, or resentful toward our partner.
I'd have to say the same in reverse.
That actually comes back to what I was saying earlier. If your theoretical housewife asked you would do this for her. Many women don't realize they actually have to speak up and ask "hey, can you do this for me, I really need a break." They just expect their partner to intuit that they need help. That's not really fair to the man, imo. I can't read your mind, why would I expect you to read my mind - know, what I mean?
Well said. My husband is often shocked when I spell out what I thought was obvious. And, usually amenable to help. He does the things he sees with the best of intentions, I do the things I see with the best of intentions, and every now and then we have to point them out to each other.
People without kids should definitely not be judging. Theories are so much easier than reality.
Well said, Summer!
CJ & Mike: Thank you.
CJ, You basically summed up my super long post very nicely and concisely - thank you for that :)
What I understand about this article is that women are working and oh so tired of doing so many things all at once. They are picking up the slack while the men are just relaxing and having a good 'ol time.
why don't all you back-biting man haters take a look in the mirror - if you notice that most all men in your life are losers for whatever reason, then maybe you should look at the constant in that equation ... YOU!
If you're so gluttonous to think that someone else should be taking care of your own responsibilities; then you've made poor life decisions and now you have to pay for it. But that is what alimony is for right? To make someone else pay for your own bad life decisions?
notadoormat: Who are you talking to?
So, I've come to the end of my workday, cooked, cleaned, shopped and done some basic chores while juggling other things and so I put the dishes in the sink overnight because I'm tired.... Tomorrow the dishes are still there...no offers for help from anyone else and asking is like playing a broken record over and over...it just gets me lots of 'quit nagging' commentary.
It is valid to mention that women tend to do this more than men and valid to say men should offer to help and valid to feel frustrated and valid to say that not all men won't help. This is merely an article saying 'many women experience this problem'....and we do...
Waaa, waaaa, waaaaa poor you. What about your poor kids who probably get Burger King for dinner and no attention from you.
No fast food for us. My mom cooked dinner every night when she got home from work. Enough with your nasty and biased working mother stereotypes!
Wow, your working mother must have been superhuman. Kudos! Children deserve healthy food and proper sleep (in their own beds, which is unusual these days because working mothers are so overwhelmed that they'll do anything to shut them up including letting them sleep in their beds). I hear these stories all the time from my working mother colleagues. If my belief that children deserve mothers who are present both mentally and physically makes me biased, then so be it.
Cooking a healthy dinner every night after work is not hard, just takes a little prior planning. I plan a weekly menu and use that as my shopping guide. I work full time, take my youngest back and forth to school daily, attend school functions, and am there for my kids and grandson. I could care less if I go to bed and there are dishes in the sink or my living room isn't dusted. My priority is my family. I'll get to the dishes or my husband will. Life's too short to worry about being the perfect housewife, I would rather spend that time with my family.
If men would just do things when they need to be done and not wait to be asked to do it! My ex would sit on the sofa all weekend while I was out cutting the lawn. I'm sure he could see it needed cutting! And if I asked him to do something, I was 'nagging'. Then he decided he'd show me by being careless and destroying the lawn mower that I bought with my hard- earned money.
I tell you what....a man that pulls his own weight around the house on his own accord is very sexy. One that expects every one else to do everything for him is not.
SARAJ26 - That woman who may have been raped should have had an abortion. It's wrong and disgusting to have a rapist's child. Are you serious? If you were raped and got pregnant would you have the kid?
depending how far along she was, she may not have had a choice. and to judge someone's decision. what if her religious belief was to not abort? you can't judge others until you walk in their shoes. Point blank. Just don't do it. your mother should have told you at least that much in life.
There is nothing wrong or disgusting about having a child that was conceived by rape. What is wrong is killing that child who did nothing wrong. It is not the child's fault that the mother was raped.
I am a woman and if I was raped and got pregnant I would without a second thought have that child. If I didn't think I could handle it then I would give the child up for adoption. But I would never even for a second consider aborting my child. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding their conception.
Yeah, it's disgusting to be raped, but is it the fault of the conceived child? does it always have to be a death sentence? Some kids are total opposites of their parents.
nps, you seem to have a terrible need to dictate what others do with their lives, or the lives of their children, born or unborn.
You should get help with that.
My mother worked long hours when I was growing up (she still does) - she owned/operated a business that she created from the ground up. I am so grateful to have her as an example of managing both business and family. Housework NEVER took priority over her family or her sanity, and if a 'friend' judged her on some clutter and dust...well, they weren't much of a friend to begin with. All of us knew we were the most important thing in the world to her, and I never felt I lacked attention. It is sad that there is so much judgement coming from both genders for those mothers who work (or don't work) outside the home. Not ALL working mothers or stay-at-home-moms are demons or saints. Why do people feel that if someone doesn't make the same life decisions that they did, they are 1) wrong; and 2) deserve to be judged harshly? Mass conformity rarely validates one's life.
If she worked such long hours then do the math - she couldn't have possibly spent that much time with you. Fact: there are only 24 hours in a day. Perhaps you tell yourself that to convince yourself that your own choice to be a working mother is a good one.
Alot of kids of business owners spend time with their kids in the shop, remember the topic of the article is multitasking? Plus a kid can learn a few things, watching people work and look after a business.
nps-you are an ass. You have no children so you have no clue what it is to be a good parent or any kind of parent. You are the last person who should be judging anyone with children. Thanks for not having any by the way. You obviously couldn't handle it unless you had a man making money for you. And to think that Hollywood moms are the only ones who can have it all is absolutely ridiculous. They probably spend more time away from their children than any other working mother.
Yeah, must be nice for those Hollywood kids to be raised by a nanny and know her better than their parents.
A marriage should be an equal partnership, if yours is not then that is your own fault for putting up with it. I would have never married my husband if I thought for one second that there wouldn't be equity in our marriage. You learn this by talking about these things before you get married or start living together.
If both partners cannot work towards balance in their marriage, it is a big problem from which children suffer the most. Both sides need to learn to give little and take a little. Start communicating about what needs to get done, when it needs to get done and who can do it best.
If there is one thing I have learned in my 17 years of marriage, it is that if you are multitasking and its frustrating ask for help -- when your husband sees you doing all of these different things at the same time you look like your doing just fine. Men cannot read minds and waiting to say something until you feel like screaming will only make things worse.
I agree, and as I said earlier, it might help if some women relinquish "ownership" of certain tasks. Just like in the office, you have to let people under you do the job, even if they do it differently than you. You can't micromanage. Sometimes, I'll take on a chore in the house, and my lady will walk over and say something like "I usually do that like this". I stop and just look at her, and that's her reminder that I am an adult, and I too, know how to clean things, even if it's done differently than her way.
Most men accuse us of 'nagging' if we ask for a little help.
my previous comment didn't post, so apologies if this ends up being a duplicate. Otherwise....
Congrats to the individual dads who are doing what they outlined. No kudos, however, for the slams on others. The article is not an attack on the individual dads commenting here; it is an average. By definition of an average, it applies to more people than not.
Fact is women and men handle things differently. Not better or worse, but differently. Ideally that works to benefit the kids even better. Sometimes, though, since men and women think differently, that leads to women tired and overwhelmed.
The guys above prove the point exactly: you do things linearly, meaning one at a time (work, then kids, then cook, then drive, etc.) and go to bed when they are tired without the guilt of needing to do one more thing (those dishes in the sink). An ideal partnership recognizes those differences, instead of demanding one partner act just like the other ("ease up" or "be like me"). My husband and I both work, have two kids, are often tired because we both do a lot of our work after the little ones go to bed, and do things very differently. I will stay up late getting things ready for the morning, and in the morning he gets himself ready then takes the kids to school. I usually try to multitask and answer an email or two before hte kids get up, sit with them for breakfast and review the spelling words/math homework/whatever from the night before, make sure the bags are packed with the lunches I made last night, then kiss them good-bye while he drives them to school. Then I get me ready, clean a little more, work a little more, and head into the office. Dinner is all together at home, time shifts to make that possible, and they are in bed by 8:30. And we start working again.
Bottom line here: the article is not a competition for who is the best parent; it is about women being hard-wired for multi-tasking more than men.
Some posters should take a hint from yesterday's day of not judging other moms. My mom worked in 3-4 year stretches, then didn't, and our family made both work. I welcomed the responsibility and freedom of doing a few more things for myself when she was working. And I learned how to cook. And even though my dad put in less "face time" I clearly remember having more heart to hearts with him, because we clicked better on those. So, I remember them as equal parents. I hope my kids will do the same.
There is no one recipe for a succesful and happy kid. Ease up on others here. And happy holidays.
My mom was a working mom in the 70s & 80s. She got home by 5:30 every night. She prepared a full dinner. We waited for my father to come home after commuting in from the NYC, and by 6:30, we sat down to a family dinner each and every night! She chose to work, we encouraged her to work, she was there when we were younger but at that point, we had our own lives. No reason for her not to. She still took care of us as if she was home all day. The problem today is that the kids are more scheduled than the parents, hence no family dinner time. Things were much better back then. Today it's just sad that there is little family time and everyone carries a blackberry or smart phone (kids included) to know where they have to be and when.
Anyone ever heard of equitable distribution? I'm not a father -- yet. Maybe a few years from now.
That said, I work full time. I do the cooking. My wife does the cleaning. I do the yard work. She does the food shopping. Sometimes we both go.
It's not that hard to divvy up the tasks that need to be done. I think these sorts of things become a big issue when there's another issue being ignored -- what's happening in the bedroom. I'm so mellow and relaxed after a session in the bedroom, I could be getting a root canal, let alone having to cook dinner, and I wouldn't notice.
yeah...good luck with that. You shouldn't have kids in this country. As you can see from these posts, women are righteous, men are lazy blubbering idiots. Women are good for kids, men are not...
All of the courts will agree with that and you'll pay out of your nose, and your ass, and any other orifice you have.
Better check your divorce laws first man.
Matt, keep true to your ethic, and if your wife is a good person, she will appreciate your fairness. Every family has a different method, but the key is knowing what each expects from the other and AGREEING on it. Sometimes we do what we have to do, but it should be done knowing things are fair.
My husband earns the big bucks, so I do more child care and activities with part time work and classes. Lately, with exams, I've been swamped, so he offers more than the minimum help. Changes do cause stress, so things need to be adjusted.
He still has plenty of time to play hours of video games!
On average, men work more hours for more years, including greater physical risk and commute hours, late night hours and weekend hours at the office or work site. For these reasons, men as a group earn more than women.
Given that men make the majority or entirety of the financial contribution to the household, it would indeed be unfair to expect them to do half of the household work.
Everyone's situation is different. Part of the problem I think depends on which area of the country you live in. The area have lived in my entire life has changed to a very expensive place to live over the years. It is very easy for people that have raised their children already and bought a house 30 + years ago when costs and expectations/standards were lower to say that 1 income should be enough to live on. It used to be. Full time jobs used to come with co. paid benefits and you could keep a job for life if you wanted to do that. Society has changed, not necessarily for the better, but there are many more expenses now. When I went to school, I don't remember having to buy as many school supplies like I have to do for my son now. Kids need and want to fit in so there are extra clothes, shoes, etc. Cell phones are needed for safety. It goes on and on. If you want to live on 1 income, it had better be a very good income and if the job is lost, another one better be available. If you are makings figures good for you! The rest of us have to work fill in the gaps. People have kids later now which often raises problems conceiving, if you are older you may not have a parent able or even living to help with childcare. The situation is very multi faceted. Kids have their own daunting schedules, need to be ferried to sports, etc. plus often have hours of homework. I know in my own case, now that I am free to go back to work full time, there are very few jobs available with lots of competition.
I agree with you mostly mam, except:
"Kids need and want to fit in so there are extra clothes, shoes, etc. Cell phones are needed for safety."
No, No, NO - your kids will survive without the extra clothes or cell phone. I find parents who buy all the extra stuff for their kids do that mostly for themselves. They don't want their kid to have less than the other kids. They are too afraid to let kids have some autonomy, so they need a cell phone for "safety". If the kids are old enough, say over 12, given them an allowance and make them responsible for their own cloths and toys (phones). They will learn real quick the difference between wants and needs when it is their own money (I know I did) and if they blow it all on one item and find they need something else and have no money, let them learn that lesson the hard way.
S. I think making kids responsible for those things is a good idea. My 14 year old does have a cell phone. He would not have one if we had a home phone. But, since he gets home anywhere from 1 to 4 hours before I do, I want him to have a way to reach me if needed. My younger son is never home alone (he's too young), so he doesn't have a cell phone. When get gets old enough that he will be home alone, then he will be given a cell phone - but not until then. That's the same thing I did with my older son. More and more people are getting rid of home phones and going to just cell phones (in fact, I don't know anyone other than my grandmother that still has a home phone).
I have been married for thirty years and things are different now. It would never occur to my husband to clean up after a meal. He was raised back in the Donna Reed generation where men didn't do that. If I ask him to do something specific, he is more than willing to do it but is not aware of what needs to be done without me asking (I call it housework blindness).
My son is the one who keeps his home clean because it is important to him but not so much to his wife. She was raised differently: her parents live in a home that is not well kept so she knows nothing else. Maybe it has more to do with the expectations of our parents and our environment than it does our willingness to help our spouse. Maybe a lot of these "deficient" spouses simply are unaware of what would be helpful. Maybe they are afraid of stepping on toes and being criticised for not doing it properly.
There is a reason I got divorced. Back when we were married, I decided the best way for me to work and have a flexible schedule (so our son wouldn't have to go in daycare) was for me to start my own business. I worked long and odd hours sometimes to satisfy my clients. I'd get home and the ex and my son had wrecked the house. Every day. Every dish would be dirty, toys all over the place, son in dirty clothing in front of the TV and having eaten mostly cereal, toast, and other starchy foods all day, and ex sitting on the computer playing games. It took at least 45 minutes to clean the kitchen just so I could cook and I would spend all of my time off cleaning. I decided that if I was going to be doing all the work, I may as well not have another person to clean up after and filed for divorce (after a lot of time, frustration, and major communication issues). I understand being overworked and exhausted and feeling like your husband is not helping at all. What I don't understand is the incessant whining. If you don't like your situation, change it.
For those who think working moms, and especially single moms, can't possibly spend enough time with their kids, feed them well, and hire your TV/game console as a baby sitter, you are very wrong. We eat healthy food every night that is cooked with the assistance of my son or while he sits at the bar and I help him with homework. Every lunch is packed from home. We do not even own a game console or have cable - our TV is for news in the morning and movies on weekend nights. Homework is always turned in on time, complete, and I check it over. The house is picked up every night, mostly my son's "job" since it's his toys. Reading is a major part of our quality time together and games we play are math based, so as a result he is above his grade level in both subjects. He is well-behaved and none of his teachers or after school daycare workers ever have a problem with him. It's not hard to manage your time at home if you know how. And since my job consists of managing an office and accounting, I'm pretty good at managing time. The kids who don't turn in homework, forget library books, always look unkempt, and have behavior problems often times have SAHMs.
Sorry but this just reads like pure BS. It's all your ex's fault? He never did anything right..you are perfect, your kids are perfect...blah, blah, blah. More unmitigated claptrap to justify the fact that you are a control freak who CHOSE to remove your child from a relationship with their father because you believe that you know best, you can do it all....puke. You have irreparably screwed your child and you don't even know it. Nice mother you are.
It's not all my ex's fault. I was partly to blame too. And my son is grounded right now for behavior. However, my ex's relationship with his son is his to ruin. The phone works both ways and he hasn't bothered to even call his child in 3 months. He hasn't worked in I don't know how long. He chose to move further away from his child to be with his girlfriend. He doesn't buy his son birthday or Christmas gifts. My son doesn't really want anything to do with him because he is uninterested in being a parent, not because I ruined their relationship. He is by definition, a deadbeat. And I never would have expected this from him when I married him - he was on his way to med school and up and quit one day.
A BJ a Week would work wonders, i go down ALL the time putting myself at risk for throat cancer but enjoy the risk..... I guarantee your work(load) eases.....men are simple creatures....i bet men may even work another job or do more.....The funny thing is that when there is divorce and everything is 50/50 in the house the man still gets the short end of stick. When all areas of society are created equal then maybe things would reverse. Stop whining and just do....thats what guys have done....and dont mention the dumb baby carrier thing that cant be fixed.
Exactly how do men get the short end of the stick after a divorce, pray tell? Typically the woman ends up raising the children, they're lucky if they get much (if any) child support, have to pay all the expenses of the family (daycare expenses, health insurance, medical bills, clothes, food, etc.) with very little or no help, and have all the same daily expenses the man has.
Take a look some time at some statistics on women vs. men and their financial stability and security before and after marriage. I think you'd be shocked by what you find.
Maybe we just need to define more clearly what you mean when you say men get "the short end of the stick." I could be wrong, but I'm assuming you're speaking in terms of money.
The vast majority of divorces are filed by women so they can maintain control. Whether that leaves them less well off financially is meaningless to them. They are given custody of the children in 99% of case because the family courts are biased against men. Consequently, the man is saddled with a child support payment and a parenting plan that usually only provides for visitation every other weekend because while the courts encourage "shared parenting" (a meaningless term), they do not encourage joint custody, which would split time equally. Consequently, the men are expected to provide a transfer payment to the woman in order to keep her home AND provide a comparable home so that the kids can visit as much as possible...all on the same income he had before the divorce. Impossible. So yeah, while the woman complains that she has to be a mother...the man is left paying for a choice he didn't make (i.e. to get the divorce) and only wishing that he could have as much time as she whines about. Parenting plans are not enforced, while child support is enforced by jail time. Are you starting to get the picture?
Are you sure the vast majority of divorces are filed by women? I'm thinking it's probably about 50/50. At any rate, if most of the divorces truly are filed by women, what does that say about MEN? Hmmm.
Splitting the children's time between parents in most instances isn't practical, especially if the parents live in different cities. And a lot of the times, after a divorce one of the spouses moves some distance away. When the kids are in school, how are they supposed to stay in school if they have to move back and forth every six months?
True, most of the time women DO get primary physical custody of the kids. This article points out the very reason why. IN GENERAL, most of the child care is done by the mother, not the father. Not all the time, but most of the time. And if you check current statistics, you'll find that it's nowhere near 99% of the moms who get primary physical custody. I'd say it's closer to 75% on average.
Also, there's a difference between joint physical and joint legal custody. Joint physical custody isn't always practical or even possible for, at the very least, the school issue I mentioned above. Joint legal custody IS encouraged, at least in the state where I live, and is awarded about 80% of the time here. Most of our custody/visitation agreements are worked out in mediation to the tune of 85% of them, where the parents don't go to court and there's no trial or anything.
And duuuude...I wish my ex was the Mr. Moneybags you described. You do realize that's not normal, right? You may have heard some sob stories from some of these dads, where they make it sound like their ex-wife won the lottery when she divorced him, but that's NOT the norm.
My ex pays me a grand total of $145 a month in child support. And that's for two children. Know how much my daycare expenses for those two kids is? $800. Mortgage? $950. Car payment? $250. Health insurance? (Which he's supposed to provide for the kids per the child support order but never has and never will unless threatened with jail time.) $500. Medical bills related to the children? Over $3,500 in the past two years due to some medical issues one of them had. And I won't get into all the other expenses like groceries and clothes and school expenses. If it weren't for the help from my parents and the fact that I make halfway decent money at my own job (my ex has been working for cash under the table for three years so he pays the bare minimum in child support), I'd have had to declare bankruptcy by now, just paying the basic expenses of raising two children.
The point I'm trying to make is that while the parent paying child support may feel like they got the shaft, if they look objectively at what the other parent's financial burden is, they'd thank their lucky stars that they don't have to pay THAT bill every month.
And yes, parenting plans ARE enforced. In my state, if you feel that it's not being enforced, you can take the other parent back to mediation at any time. The other parent cannot refuse; they must return to mediation and work the problem out.
Your state is probably the same. Brush up on the family law in your state, but I'd be willing to bet the laws are enforced, but it does usually require some sort of initiative on the part of the parent who's noticed that the other parent isn't living up to their end of the deal.
Are YOU starting to get the picture?
LOL If so many men are so wealthy, why are 75% of child support cases in arrears? I do payroll and have to garnish wages and every single man in my company paying child support is in arrears. And I have always made more than my ex husband, particularly now that he doesn't feel the need to be employed so he can follow his dream of owning his own business and ignore his obligations.
SDGirl369 wrote "At any rate, if most of the divorces truly are filed by women, what does that say about MEN?"
It says that men are able to keep their marital commitments longer than the marriage-quuitting women.
The average duration of a first marriage in the US is six years. 70% of divorces are filed by women.
Jennifer wrote " If so many men are so wealthy, why are 75% of child support cases in arrears? "
If you even keep up with the info in the pop headlines, that is because all of those men have no income or inadequate income. These men are poor and have no means of paying. The government has the same trouble collecting income taxes from no income as well.
While having intimate relations with my wife, I check my email, eat a hamburger and talk to my mom...
This is the ONLY male on this blog that is multitasking. You remember, the subject of the article.
This student may be a threat to the other students. It's very possible that he is attractive. If so, other students will want to have sex with him. These are high-school kids, after all.
This is one reason why income taxes should be eliminated. It would make it easier for one partner to stay home and run the show. The income tax should be replaced with a consumption based tax. Before income taxes, men were able to make enough money to take care of a household. Then income taxes started taking a huge chunk out of people's paychecks and so the women had to go to work. What's next when that isn't even enough? Should we start sending little 5 year olds out to work at McDonalds? Someone should be home to take care of and run the household.
I'm a single mother, and have been now for three years. I have two small children and work full-time. It's nonstop work, and yeah, LOTS of multitasking to get everything done every day.
I had one of those do-nothing husbands, and what I found after we separated/divorced was that I has LESS to do after he was gone, LESS stress, and MORE leisure time to spend with my kids.
His very presence in my home created more work for me because he was just dead weight. I didn't fully appreciate just how much of a drain on my resources he was until he had been gone for several months.
Now, if you were to ask him, he did everything around the house and I did nothing.
I just wonder how many other moms are in this situation? I'm glad to be out of it.
That's really all I wanted to say. The results of this study don't surprise me at all.
I know there are men out there who do things around the house and help take care of the kids, but in my experience, they're the exception rather than the rule.
Most dads' perception is probably very different from reality.
That was exactly my experience. And what I found when we divorced was that he's still a do nothing guy. He's not forced to have a relationship with his son or to just go to work every day, so he doesn't do any of it. Even though he doesn't pay child support (since he doesn't have a job), I still have MORE money than when we were married and had 2 incomes because he's not off blowing it all.
Same here. Even when he was unemployed, our son was in daycare and I did 80%of the cleaning and laundry. Dinner was ususally a DiGiorno pizza.
But he DID find time to go fishing every day and run errands for his friends, so there's always that, I guess.
For those of you who think the only good mother is a stay at home mother: you do realize that "welfare moms" are stay at home mothers right? And I bet you b@tch about them all the time, and I bet you think they are terrible mothers , right? So there goes your theory that stay at home moms = good and working moms = bad. I know some wonderful mothers, some of them work and some stay home with the kids. And I know some terrible mothers, some of them work and some of them stay home with the kids.
Another thing: when a woman is a stay at home mom, with no income, and is out of the work force for all those years, it makes it very hard to get back into it and get a decent job. What if the husband leaves you, or dies? Also, unfortunately, in a lot of cases it gives a man a license to mistreat you. Not all of them do, but a good number will throw it up to you that you don't "contribute" etc. And you are trapped, you can't get out because you have no income and no health insurance without him. There are many reasons why mothers are in the work force, it doesn't make them bad mothers.
Yes it does. Sugar coat it with whatever BS you want. Working mothers are horrible mothers. And what's worse, they believe they are good.
sickenedvet - by that logic, all fathers that work are horrible fathers too. Child-rearing responsibilities belong to both parents equally. You can sugar coat that with whatever BS you want to about biological, nurturing, women's rights movement blah blah blah, but you make a baby, it's YOUR responsibility for the rest of your life - that goes for men too. Having a penis doesn't preclude anyone from changing diapers, getting up for 3am feedings, or doing housework. BS excuses indeed.
tundraleigh wrote "Child-rearing responsibilities belong to both parents equally."
Nonsense. Men contribute more money to the marriage, generally earn more money, spend more time commuting, work longer work weeks, more night hours, more weekend hours, and work more difficult and jobs that command higher pay rates. If men were then expected to share household work and child-care equally, that indeed would be unfair.
Bottom line, you reap what you sow. This isn't a men vs women thing. This is you get out of it what you put into it thing. If you spend time on your kid, your going to have a kid that trusts you, wants to have a relationship with you. If you don't, your kid won't give a crap either. So tired of hearing men AND women whine about taking care of kids. I have three special needs. Try that on for size and get back to me.
Take it easy mommies!
There is no reason to be so stressed, you have to relegate responsibilities: hubbie should be putting out the the trash, getting groceries on his way back home from wherever, paying the bills, cooking at least 2 or 3 times a week, watching the kids while you go visit your relatives alone, teach him to pay bills on line or by check. He should wash the cars and manitain them, he should help the kids with their homework and attend those PT conferences, of course mow the lawn and tidy up the exterior, make sure you get a big-O at least 3 times a week by any means possible (with him, though). Etc. Pets demand lots of attention, care and effort having one is your choice, the kids say that they will care for them, but hardly ever do so, it is your decision to make.
Together you can go for easy and slow walks around the block, go out to eat and have a drink--nowadays eating out doesn't have to expensive at all. I think sharing time and joking about life and each other gives us all a chance to defuse piled up energy and animosity.
Above all, don't expect anybodyelse to make you happy, you be happy.
You know what, though? It's not really a matter of TEACHING men anything, or ASKING men anything. Not in my experience, anyway. I repeatedly tried to show my ex how to do things around the house (and for most of it, he should've known how to do it already, but oh well), and I repeatedly asked him NICELY to do things. He'd begrudgingly do it once, then never again, and certainly not without me "nagging" him about it.
After a while, I think most women just say "Screw it, it's easier and less aggravating to just do it my d*mn self."
And that's what men count on. They have this unspoken secret: Ignore her long enough, and she'll do the work herself.
Men also seem to see things in a skewed way when it comes to housework and child care. They take out the trash and then seem to believe they just cleaned the entire house.
I love the hypothetical world and marriage you describe but have never seen it work out that way in real life. It would be awesome, though.
Also, I don't expect anybody else to make me happy. Well, in a way, my ex did when we split up. That counts, right?
I like how you've had one experience and automatically assume that is the norm. Thank god we have you around to tell us all how it is!
Sorry notadoormat, but I gota agree with the lady. Men have been very willing to participate in spending the money working women bring home, but they act as if they are blind or handicapped or "above" the boring drudgery of everyday chores. It's a deliberate scam.
Didn't I say that I was making reference to MY experience? Dang, I could've sworn I did.
I think I could get a lot of "AMEN"s from some other women on this issue, though. And I bet more than a few men would have to admit that I'm very, very right. It's a scam the men perpetuate. They learned it watching their fathers.
*Wipes feet on doormat*
I thought the scam was women giving men a TODO list to help women explore their polishing and cleaning fetishes and using the NAG to push the item completion rate faster. I have yet to hear of a TODO list for a woman that de-prioritize cleaning fetishes and reduce cleaning schedules in exchange for tasks a man prefers. I suppose that would take place when women give up control of the action in the house.
I could have conducted the survey and published that story in a whole lotta way less time than the author took.
Blah blah blah! Another study to tell us what we already know!