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LiveScience
If asked how many friends you have, some may have trouble distinguishing between the lengthy list of Facebook friends and those close pals you confide in. Well, it turns out, Americans' lists of the close type has shrunk to two, down from three confidantes 25 years ago, a new study suggests.
The study also found that the number of us who have zero confidantes, or the socially isolated, has not increased over these decades, as scientists had suspected based on a 2006 study showing a near tripling of Americans' social isolation between 1985 and 2004.
Although this shrinking social network "makes us potentially more vulnerable," said Matthew Brashears, assistant professor of sociology at Cornell University, "we're not as socially isolated as scholars had feared." However, Brashears isn't confident in any of the numbers gathered for social isolation in past studies and the current one, suggesting better methods of getting true numbers are needed.
Brashears surveyed more than 2,000 adults ages 18 and older from the nationally representative Time-sharing Experiments for the Social Sciences (TESS) program. The Internet surveys were conducted between April 23 and May 5, 2010.
Participants were asked to list the names of people they had discussed "important matters" with over the previous six months. If respondents said "none," they asked whether this was because they didn't have any important matters to discuss or no one with whom to discuss them in the past six months.
About 48 percent of participants listed one name, 18 percent listed two, and roughly 29 percent listed more than two names for these close friends. On average, participants had 2.03 confidantes. And just over 4 percent of participants didn't list any names.
When Brashears looked closer at that number of socially isolated individuals, he found that 64 percent indicated that this was because they had no topic to discuss, while only about 36 percent had no one to talk to. Turns out, female participants and those who were educated were the least likely to report no names on their confidante list. [ 10 Things Every Man Should Know About a Woman's Brain ]
Shrinking support
Are we becoming hermits? Not quite, according to Brashears.
"Rather than our networks getting smaller overall, what I think may be happening is we're simply classifying a smaller proportion of our networks as suitable for important discussions," Brashears told LiveScience. "This is reassuring in that it suggests that we're not becoming less social."
In fact, research by University of Toronto sociologist Barry Wellman has shown we can be close to and rely on a number of people with whom we don't discuss important matters.
"But it may still be concerning," Brashears added. "Discussion partners provide both emotional support and ideas for how to solve problems, so a shrinking discussion network may lead to more stress and poorer outcomes."
And support does seem to be waning.
Brashears asked participants about a randomly selected friend they had listed, including the types of support that person could provide. Answers included: companionship, a loan of a significant amount of money, and a loan of a significant amount of non-monetary support, such as a place to crash for a while.
"Interestingly, among those respondents who reported only one discussion partner, a number of them reported that their associate would not provide any of these benefits," Brashears said. "This leads me to think that we should be less concerned about social isolation, or lacking any social contact, and more concerned about social poverty, or not having adequate support."
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I have a few good friends but only one I would trust with my life. That's all you really need. Friendship is not a competition.
It's a quality versus quantity equation. I'd rather have three good friends I could trust in a fight than 2000 facebook friends who would just post my death on Youtube later.
A real friend would be in the youtube death video with you.
Apparently they didn't consider the poll results on msn.com. There are significantly different results on that poll as opposed to the "live poll" in the article above.
My father used to say that if I had a few good friends, I was lucky, you know what? He was right!
Confidence aside, ask your close friends if you can borrow their car for a month. You will find out immediately who is and who isn't.
A former friend of mine told me she pitied me because I don't have many friends. I told her that I don't need many, just good ones. Then I told her to stop contacting me. I have always been very picky about the people I let in my life. Or for whom I'd walk through fire. Life is too short for frenemies.
Andy...or ask them to help you move.
Andy, borrow their car for a month? I guess it really depends where you live, but for most people in major cities, that would be near impossible for anyone to do.
Lola, I agree about your friend choices. And asking for help moving is a lot more practical request than borrowing a car for month, as well. One usually doesn't ask or expect help from "casual" friends with moving out. It takes a close friend to be willing to spend the day doing that with you.
Do couples count as two friends? If so, I have 40 different friends I would feel comfortable asking to help me move. There are over 100 people that I would help move if they asked me. I never realized how priveleged I was until I read this article.
It is VERY hard to get on my friend list. A friend for me is much more than an acquaintence, as are most people. It is someone you can trust, can share with, and spend time with. Someone that does not put matters of pride and ego before others.
I do not drive a brand new car, I do not wear a suit or tuxedo. I definitely do not want 'friends' that 'like' me because of my material possessions and wouldn't have such things even if I had all the money, partly for fear that such shallow people would become attracted to me.
Being a true friend of mine however also means an awful lot. It means a shared home when a home is needed. I means a shared meal, when a meal is needed. I means confidence and trust when you need someone to talk to. It means great sacrifices, when great sacrifices are call for.
All those that put 'self' before others are truly missing out on greater things.
Always an acid test. How many will be at your funeral.
I definitely think that quality is better than quantity. Besides, it takes time to develop a really good relationship, and most of us don't have the time to be best friends with dozens of people. That being said, I am glad that I have a good circle of friends and family that I could turn to with many different things. I probably have at least 6 people I could call on a daily basis (if I had time) and still find things to discuss with them. And outside of the them, I have a church of about 100 people that would help me with all sorts of things if necessary. And my family is awesome, too....I guess I am really blessed, because I don't know what I would do without all of them to help my little family! :)
I have 1, my wife of 35 years. Everyone else is an acquaintance; some good , some bad.
Having a closed social network or limited social network of just a spouse has shown to reduce lifespan. You might consider adding a few friends if you want to life a long life.
Not if you pick the right wife.
Bisco, not everyone has that choice. If you have few friends, there's probably a reason. Those sorts of things are very difficult to change.
Why in the world would anyone want to live longer?
Bisco - LOL....let me guess, some "study" was conducted to show that not having enough friends will shorten your lifespan. If that's the case, in 6 months, yet another "study" will show that having more friends will actually shorten your lifespan. LOL!
A good spouse and a good dog are a pretty good combination. Good friends are great in small numbers. Bad so called friends can rip your heart out and hand it to you on a plate.
Well the whole spouse thing can run dry pretty quickly. We have the highest divorce rate around and secondly - not everyone wants to be married. I sure as hell don't! So those of you that have 30 and 40 year marriages - good for you - because you are in the MINORITY! Most marriages are doing good to last two years. LOL
Many people get married for all the wrong reasons and the top one is "because that is what society says you should do." Get married and have 2.5 kids with a nice house and a white picket fence! LOL
Actually the top one is lust and running not far behind that is the one I listed above. It is not until all the alcohol wears off does one realize they made a big mistake. Some of them don't realize it until later after they get sick of looking at the same face day after day after day. LOL
Same here. Friends are a drag, always requiring something, and getting upset with you if you turn them down. I found that when I had a few people that I considered friends, I was less than happy when they intruded in my time, and they really couldn't understand that someone could be alone and perfectly happy. We are called loners, and are comfortable without constant social interaction. Now its just me and the wife, and we have our own space and do our own thing a lot of the time, and we are good to go. I don't need ANYONE to make my life happy, but my wife and I are soul mates, and I have pets. 19+ years and counting.
I agree totally with you!
Agree with you Shogun and Gina. That is why the whole social media thing is a bit mystifying to me.
I can understand clicking to acknowledge and list everyone who you've ever met (and some you haven't) to list them by name, face etc. as "friends".
But why would anyone spend hours sleuthing online and wanting to learn more about these names or acquaintances??? It isn't exactly Friendship is it?? So what is it??
This article and study just confirms what I have known all along, and have told my son repeatedly as he has grown. You only NEED two or three good close friends to have a happy and satisfying life. People who feel the need to have large groups of friends are usually making up for their own insecurities. And what they'll usually find is when things get tough and they NEED some comfort or help, the large crowd will disperse and there, left over, will be the few who truly ARE your friends!
Some people are just more social than others. I find your conclusions somewhat presumptuous. I only have a few good friends, but that doesn't mean that someone that has more is insecure. Maybe, they just like more social interaction.
I have several good friends. Friends I made at work, friends I made in the various places I've lived, and they have been there for me when I needed their support, and I've been there for them when they needed mine. They are close enough that I call them my Family of Choice!
My dearly beloved ex wanted me to be his one and only best friend, and to get rid of my other friends. That put too much of a strain on our marriage (and a few other things;-). I would like to know how many of these wives, who are their husband's only good friend, feel under stress because of that added pressure. And how many friends do they have?
You are asking wrong qwestions. How many of us have separate people we discuss diverse matters with? I have no one person I may discuss EVERYTHING with. There are most people I refrain from talking certain topics with because I might be stepping on sore points.
I am like proamerica, my wife of 7 yrs is my best friend, everyone else is an acquaintance. Then, of course, I have to add my dogs.
same here - my wife of 5 years... and the girl on the side. love em both, confide everything to either of them. works for me
I hope your wife has a 'boy on the side' she can also confide in
...more likely, after Bob she has a "lady on the side".
maybe the wife and the girl friend can get together,then they will each have a real best friend and rotate your cheatin ass out of the loop.
Dude...really? I'm sure that's a load of BS you posted only to see how people respond. Still, you're a moron who'll not likely EVER find your first true friend.
The thing is that friendships are like any other relationships and you have to put work into them. Most of my friends are married, I'm not. So I'm the one who reaches out, sets up get togethers etc...if I don't want to be isolated I have to make the effort...they don't mind and I think are sometimes happy that I DO make the effort.
I'm busy though and only have the time and energy to keep in contact with 6 good friends, I have a lot who aren't that close, but are quality anyway, they just live out of town.
I have 2 best friends that I would do anything for. I have several friends that are only good for a weekend party. I have a college roommate that's good for dinner/lunch/ice cream. I have an amazing boyfriend/best friend whom I tell everything. We have another couple we like to hangout/take trips with. I have work group which we are always discussing trending topics.
I'm sure none of that matters to anyone. Case in point, we're never really alone or isolated... I think we just all have different relationships depending on the environment.
alicia...You can be surrounded by people and be very alone and isolated.
I have only one....... My three cats should count, but I understand some may think that's nuts.
I don't think that's nuts. I have 3 friends, two are human and the third is Daphne, my cat. I like her more sometimes.
Mu husband and two dogs are my best friends. Oh, and our neighbors, too.
No it is not nuts. There is my wife, then there are my 10 cats (queens). It is my cats that take care of me and watch over me.
Interesting study and I agree with most on here. I have one or two GREAT friends but I'd take it a step further and add myself. Not a loner in any way but I do enjoy doing things by myself. Miraculously I always want to do the same stuff as me. My wife has come to embrace my independance. As for Facebook...I'm not against it in any way, It's just that I'm already in touch with the people I want to be connected to. Do I wonder what an old high school buddy is up to? Sometimes...but I'd almost rather wonder what old friends are up to than actually know and have to maintain a friendship that worked 20 years ago but I might not have time for now.
I love being alone, have no problem with it. My husband has his hobbies that he enjoys, football games golf, music ect.. I let him go and have fun and I do my thing and he is fine with that too. You have to be able to enjoy your own company and not be depressed if you don't have a crew around all the time. I know people like this and I don't get it.
The more friends you got..the more problems you got!
example: Friend #8 is having problems with the marriage..decides to end it all... wife and who ever else he knows in life..you're his #8 friend..a 9mm holds nine bullets not eight!
Make that ten bullets..glad I'm only a friend to a few.
Most friends come and go as life changes for a multitude of reasons. Like yourself, love your family and life will be good.
Interesting article - suprisingly accurate. Ever heard that saying "If friends knew what friends said behind friends backs there would be no friends"? If you can hold up a mirror to a friend, and them you, without calling it quits angrily, that's REAL friendship/love - honest, unconditional, through thick and thin. If you have to guard your thoughts and feelings with someone - best move on.
I grew-up in Flint, MI during from the late 60's to the early 80's. Back then, everyone worked in one of the auto factories. My dad was a doctor. Strike one. I was a black kid. Strike two. Our family lived in an area of town where all our neighbors were doctors, lawyers, etc. Strike three.
All of my teachers, classmates, etc. were white. Back in those days, teachers, students and even pastors could refer to me as "ni@@er" and there was no penalty. They all took full advantage of this. As for the blacks in town, as far as they were concerned, I lived over on the "white" side of town and spoke "...like a white person" (i.e. - standard English). I had few if any friends growing up. Even the people I should have been able to trust (teachers, pastors, some family members) would criticize me for my ethnicity or the fact that my parents didn't work in the factory. The bottom line is that the very people I should have been able to depend on turned out not to be at all trustworthy. Result: I have a few acquaintances but no one I would refer to as a "friend". I flat don't trust people....never have.
I'm sorry Nissan. It's hard to believe that people behave/behaved that way. I just don't get it. There are hundreds of places in the US where people are accepting of others no matter what their race, color, religion , hair color etc. I'm sorry that you had to live in a city that was not welcoming. Please know that there are millions of people out there who would never have treated you as they did in Flint.
Fortunately their are techniques that can be used even at your age to find relief from the fear of trusting others and to find peace within yourself.
I do understand. Growing up I was always known as a "Blanket A$$", even by my own relatives. I trust my own cats the most. Everyone else has hurt me, my cats have not.
I'm rather surprised by the answers above, perhaps its the age difference, since this is my last year in college. I live in a fraternity and that comes with 50 instant friends, throw on another 50 for all the connections ive made. There friends, but some arent even very good ones. I see no problem with being friends with a lot of people, I have them, then I have my close group of 6 or 7. People I've known for a long while or gotten close to in college, if I need bail money, i get stuck 30 miles out of town in snow storm with a flat tire, or need something deeply important to share I can go to anyone of them.
I think its gonna vary depending on your personality and where you are in life. You have more free time young to build up relationships, where as once you're in your professional career you don't have the time to devote to a active social life.
Sounds like you have a large number of acquaintances, but it's unclear how many real "friends" you have. A lot of us are in that boat, with the social groups we belong to that may support us. I have a large group of people I regularly do things with, but I honestly don't consider any of them to be friends that I can count on through thick and thin. Those friends are rare, and like the average mentioned in the article, I have 2, both of whom I've known for years.
It's hard to strike up a conversation these days, with so many people immersed in their fancy electronic gizmos. Today I was at a coffee shop, and everyone at the counter was staring at a laptop-none of them were mingling. The person sitting, or living next to us will be there if the power goes out-or if we feel like we are losing it.
This is one of the few mentions that I've seen of how our electronic toys contribute to our isolation from one another. I sometimes wonder what would happen if people took the earbuds out of their ears, their iphone went dead, they looked up from their ipads, and no one was there. It seems to me that socialability is a skill that you cultivate with practice, without practice your skills get rusty, and it becomes difficult to engage with strangers.
I have 0 and am ok with that. I have people i used to be friends with (school, etc.) and have grown apart from on facebook. I have aquaintances from current and past jobs i might go meet somewhere to hang out. Actual friends though, people I often go do things with that aren't family members? 0.
same here.
Who says family members can't be friends too? I grew apart from almost all my friends from school. I still have the same best friend that I can tell absolutely anything to. However, other than her (and my husband, of course), my only "true" friends are my two sisters. We are very close, so I definitely count them as friends.
No matter how many interesting people you meet, there are only 24 hours in a day. If you work a full-time job and get a full night's sleep, there are few hours left each day to foster or nurture a close friendship. It's logistically impossible to maintain a very close relationship with large numbers of people. Two or Three is manageable.
In addition, if you have relatives who are in close contact, they may provide a lot of the support and companionship you'd get from friends -- without actually being your friends. Your in-laws may hate your guts but still let you flop on that ratty couch on the back porch.
As my old friend, Sailor Jim, used to say, " when you die, you'll count the good friends that you've had in your life on the fingers of one hand". I guess he's still right.
Most of my good friends live in other states. I rarely, if ever, get to see them. It's nice talking on the phone but it's not like actually spending time with them. The older one gets the more difficult it is to make new friends. It's hard to ask a virtual stranger if they want to play with you :)
I recently moved to NC and have a fantastic neighbor. I feel very lucky to have her. When you click with people it's a beautiful thing.
Most of my good friends live in other states. I rarely, if ever, get to see them. It's nice talking on the phone but it's not like actually spending time with them. The older one gets the more difficult it is to make new friends. Many people are already set in their routines and don't get outside of their box.
I recently moved to NC and have a fantastic neighbor. I feel very lucky to have her. When you click with people it's a beautiful thing.